HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Yes, mittens are a good way to keep your hands warm during frigid winter weather, but please take them off before you perform surgery.
Taurus: Your blind date goes horribly when you neglect to put on deodorant, underwear and your dentures. Gemini: At some point, you're going to need to stop and ask yourself if the World Record for Most Pieces of Cheesecake Shoved Up Your Ass is something to which you truly want your name attached. Cancer: Avoid elevators this week. Also, stay away from escalators, staircases, catapults, bucket lifts, human pyramids, ladders, pogo sticks and high heels. In fact, you should just lay down. On the plus side, it's an excellent time for you to limbo. Leo: Wearing clothes that show off your body is one thing. Wearing clothes that show the world your genitals is another. Virgo: This week, you will crave toast to the point of obsession. Give in. Sweet, sweet toast. Libra: Any further delay in changing your cat's litter box could result in a fine from the EPA. Scorpio: While it's true that most everybody picks their nose, you'll find that the great majority of people don't save what they find in plastic envelopes labeled with the time and date. Sagittarius: Congratulations! You've made it almost a full month into the new year without anyone reminding you of how totally shitty your life is! Until now. Capricorn: Your optimism is a source of wonder to everyone around you; particularly those who have witnessed your persistence in believing that the line "I've got a mind for business and a bod for sin" is going to score you any ladies in the clubs. Of course, everyone around you might be confusing optimism with stupidity and an unwillingness to evolve beyond who you were in 1988. Aquarius: Staying warm during this week's cold weather is difficult for you as you find yourself repeatedly waking up in a puddle of frozen vomit outside of a bar. Pisces: Pisces who live in Iraq might want to think about using an absentee ballot this weekend.
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