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Thursday, January 13, 2005


A Hard-Hitting Interview

With his inauguration right around the corner and an overwhelming majority of Americans just love-love-loving him, Smilin’ George W. sat down with the harshest of all interviewers to submit himself to an hour of grueling questions. Barbara Walters didn’t let the President off easy, either, at one point actually pulling a switchblade from her pocket and threatening to “…gut [First Lady Laura Bush] like a trout…” if Bush didn’t tell her what she wanted to know.

It was riveting television. For those who missed this journalistic milestone, Hairshirt now presents excerpts from the broadcast.

B.W.: Mister Pwesident, during your first term, your opponents have seized on many of your thousands of misspoken sentences as proof that you’re a total and complete dipshit. The kind of dipshit who’d say something like, “Bring it on” to a vast network of fanatical religious fundamentalists who’ve proven they can hold a grudge. Can we expect more of this crap?

G.W.B.: I watch what I say. I said some things in the first term that were probably a little blunt. “Bring it on” was a little blunt. I was really speaking to our troops, but it came out and had a different connotation, different meanings for others.

B.W.: So, wait, you wanted our troops to bring it on? You were daring our armed services to attack you?

G.W.B.: Yeah. Something I picked up as Pledge Chairman of my frat. You want people under you to respect you, you gotta make ‘em drink your urine.

L.B.: So to speak.

G.W.B.: Shut up, honey.
B.W.: Tard-o—may I call you Tard-o?

G.W.B.: Actually, my official nickname is Li'l Douschey.

B.W.: Fine. Li'l Douschey, with the weapons inspections being called off today and not so much as a long-range pea shooter found, do you feel like a gigantic dickhead for getting us into a war that’s cost so many young men and women their lives?

G.W.B.: I felt like we'd find weapons of mass destruction, or like many, many here in the United States, many around the world, the United Nations, thought Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

B.W.: But most Americans who thought that thought so because that’s what you told them.

G.W.B.: Yup. But, y’know, I only know what I see on the news, so there you go.

Given that Saddam wasn’t about to blow us up with these non-existent weapons, do you still feel the war was justified?

G.W.B.: Oh, absolutely.

B.W.: Why?

G.W.B.: Uh…‘cause, um…it, uh…Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

B.W.: But he didn’t.

G.W.B.: Um…I’m firsty.
B.W.: Mrs. Bush, I read this week that you’re planning on wearing an Oscar DeLarenta dress to the inauguration.

L.B.: That’s right. Oscar’s been one of my favorite designers for years.

G.W.B.: And she’s not gonna wear panties. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.

Li'l Douschey, how can you possibly justify spending $40 million on your inaugural and sticking the tax-payers of Washington D.C. with a $15 million bill for security when we’re still in the throes of a piss-poor economy?

G.W.B.: Hey, I’m not doing coke any more. If I gotta be sober, the party better kick some fucking ass.

B.W.: Mr. Pwesident…thank you.

2. One cannot be in the "throws" of something. One can be in the *throes* of something.
3. When abbreviating words, the apostrophe should go wherever portions have been cut from the word. In the case of "little" being abbreviated to "lil", the apostrophe would go in place of the missing Ts, like this: "li'l".
4. I'm from Canada. Enjoy the next four years of your life.
Okay, all fixed, Steve. Boy, you Canadians are helpful folk. Except when it comes to supporting the leader of the free world. Get with the program, you Maple Syrup-guzzling snowshoers! North America! Love George W. Bush or leave it!
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