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Sunday, January 16, 2005


Hollywood Blows Itself

I made my annual mistake this year of forgetting until three-quarters of the way through the broadcast that I don't give a shit about the Golden Globes. 'Bout 10:30, it sunk in that I'd entirely wasted an evening when I could have been polishing my fondue pot--and no, that's not a euphemism for masturbation, but maybe it should be.

Anyway, so the evening wouldn't be a complete waste, I thought I'd make use of what I'd seen and give everybody who was smart enough to be watching something else a brief run-down of the evening.

  • NBC made a number of adjustments this year to ensure that the broadcast ended as close to 11:00 as possible, the most effective adjustment being the complete removal of any fun or excitement. Good strategy, guys.
  • While accepting her Best Supporting Actress award for the HBO film Iron-Jawed Angels, Anjelica Huston began throwing lunchmeat at the audience, shouting "Obli-di, obli-da, motherfuckers!" It took three security guards and Elizabeth Shue to subdue her.
  • At one point, apparently showing the extent to which plastic surgery has changed her, Goldie Hawn was caught on camera unhinging her lower jaw and eating composer Howard Shore.
  • The career-highlights montage before Robin Williams accepted his Cecil B. DeMille award inexplicably failed to feature any of Williams' work from Toys. After the clips, Williams took the stage and performed 1,217 three-second bits of schtick.
  • After famously forgetting to mention her husband, actor Chad Lowe, when winning her Oscar for Boys Don't Cry, Hilary Swank, who won Best Actress this year for Million Dollar Baby, used the opportunity to serve him with divorce papers.
  • The ghost of Ray Charles made an appearance late in the evening, stating that he'd returned from the afterlife to congratulate Jaimie Foxx for his Best Actor win and to rain destruction down upon the producers of the telecast for horribly misusing his classic "Hallelujah, I Love Her So".
  • Dick Clark's hard-hitting backstage interview questions were sadly absent this year as he recovers from a stroke. His boldly phallic production company logo, however, was present as always.
  • The Golden Globe tradition of using completely random pairings of celebrities to present awards continued this year, best exemplified by the use of Betty White and the "Dude, You're Getting a Dell" guy to present Best Documentary.
  • 3.5 seconds into her presentation of the Best Actor award, Diane Keaton's nervous talking thing officially became fucking annoying.
  • William Shatner ate his Best Supporting Actor award.

I pray to God that, next year, I remember that my time would be much better spent cleaning my carpet with a toothbrush and some Woolite than watching this three-hour wank-fest. That being said, Cate Blanchett looked really pretty.