Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, January 30, 2005


Iraq the Vote

Iraqis took to the polls today in astonishing numbers. Early estimates put the number of eligible voters who actually participated as high as 70%, a truly impressive figure, especially when one compares it to the last election in the U.S., where turn-out hovered at around 8%.

So President Bush, in his State of the Union address this week, is planning to crow a bit about what he sees as vindication for the U.S.'s ouster of Saddam Hussein. Hairshirt has received, through one of our many high-placed anonymous sources, an advance copy of Bush's speech and we wanted to share some of the highlights with you.

"Senators, Congresspersons, Trekkies, my fellow Americans, as I begin this second term as your president, I wanted to take the opportunity this address gives me to say four words to my critics: In Your Face, Bitches! Oh, Yeah! They voted! They rocked the vote! Ungh! [sixty seconds or so of pelvic thrusts and arm pumping]"

"...Democrats would have had you believe that the Iraqi people weren't ready to vote, that it was too soon. Ha! Le'me tell you, you want to make sure that people vote? You want to get them to the polls in droves? It's real simple. Just bomb the shit out of the country and make sure the only places with electricity and working bathrooms are the polling centers. Works like a motherfucker."

"...An' I've heard all I'm gonna stomach about how Iraqis might question the legitimacy of a government that had so little participation from a group as large as the Sunnis. Y'know what my answer to that is? Fuck the Sunnis. They don't want to join in? Let 'em sit on the sidelines holding their schmeckies. Happens all over the world, folks. Not everybody has an equal say. It's like the Quebecois party in Canada or the Greens in England or the Democrats in America; sometimes not everybody has an equal say. Boo-fucking-hoo."

"...Now that my cabinet is being approved--you can kiss my ass, Ms. Boxer--and this war is no longer an issue that anybody's gonna pay attention to, I'm ready to get on with the major items on my agenda for this term. I think the creation of personal social security accounts is a necessary step. If we don't, you're going to see seniors crawling around in the gutter, knifing each other over scraps of bread. Not that some of those fights wouldn't be cool to watch, but it'd get old after awhile."

"...Personal accounts are the way to go. It's not the government's money, it's your money. All of us have experience investing our millions of dollars in the market. Let's take the wisdom we've gained through investing our own money and use it to make our futures as sound as my mandate!"

"...I think my legacy, aside from being recognized as the president who kicked the most ass, is going to be how I took a broken education system and turned it into a genius machine. 'Cause that's what we're heading toward. We're gonna make our schools into factories that pump out brainiacs. Let me tell you, if our kids can master the standardized tests I'm going to put in place, they'll have proved that they have know-how, concentration and the ability to fill in little bubbles. I want standardized testing extended to high schools. I want standardized testing begun in kindergarten. Just 'cause they're only beginning to learn how to hold a pencil don't mean they can't take a standardized test. It's the wave of the future. When our computer masters enslave us, are they going to care that we know what in hell that guy meant when he wrote Moby Duck? No! They're going to want us to be able to fill in bubbles that they can read! Standardize it!"

"...and, in summation, I think that my vision has been proven quite visionary. I'm pretty sure nobody's gonna be looking to criticize me any more. In fact, I'm going to walk out of this room and murder a hobo, and I'm betting there ain't a goddamn one of you that'll say 'boo'. Four more years! Woo-hoo!"

It is expected that there may be some revisions to the president's address. He may choose to do a full minute and a half of pelvic thrusting and arm-pumping.