Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, January 12, 2005



The search is over! Yeah, baby! All those months of following up leads and looking under every tiny pebble in Iraq have paid off, because today, the search for weapons of mass destruction is at an end. Paydirt!

Take that, peaceniks! "Ooo! The invasion of Iraq was unjustified! Waaah! The war was sold to the American people based on twisted and bent intelligence put together by a group of yes men looking for a Scooby Snack from their master! Blah, blah, blah." Well choke on it, you buncha weak-kneed pansies! 'Cause looky what the weapons inspectors found:
  • A crate of Wrist Rocket brand slingshots.
  • 67 Champagne Party Poppers.
  • A poisoned diaphragm. (Actually, probably not "poisoned", but rather, "used".)
  • A can of pepper spray.
  • A really smelly guy who they thought might be infested with some sort of bio-engineered Super-Flu, but was actually just drunk with a head-cold.
  • What was either a garrote wire or some packing string.
  • A live grenade. (Left over from U.S. forces from Desert Storm, but still...)
  • A spoon handle that had been sharpened into a "shiv".
  • A carton of spoiled eggs.
  • A whole box of rubber bands.
  • A hungry and PMSing Sally Struthers.
  • A broken-but-repairable crossbow.
  • Five cans of Silly String.
  • A Super Soaker filled with KY.
  • Official Chuck Norris nun-chuks.
  • Killer tomatoes. (May have been regular tomatoes.)
  • Fourteen handguns registered to Bert Convy.

Can you imagine what might have happened if some fanatical terrorist group had gotten access to these weapons? They might have been able to kill us all as we slept and taken over the world! What if they'd been left in the hands of Saddam Hussein? Sweet merciful Jesus, he could have destroyed us all!

Now, the inspectors can go home with their heads held high, knowing how they have advanced the cause of freedom. 'Cause that's what the terrorists hate, in case you were unaware. Freedom. What kind of scumbag hates freedom, huh?

Thank you, President Bush! Thank you for having the balls to personally lead our troops into battle, facing untold dangers yourself, to stop this madman. I only hope you go to sleep at night knowing how wonderful you are. I'm pretty sure you do.