Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, January 18, 2005



Huzzah, says I, Huzzah! Rejoice, oh rejoice all ye viewers of The Amazing Race, for Jonathon and Victoria are no more! Send forth to heaven your gratitude and praise all the mighty Phil, who's smile shown down upon all as he informed the wretched duo of their loserdom!

My apologies to anybody who doesn't watch this show, but I'm going to indulge for a moment and just say how fucking happy I am that these two douchebags are gone. This was a husband and wife team of "entrepreneurs"--exactly what the hell they're entreprenuring we haven't been told.

The man, Jonathon, was the most obnoxious prick since Gene Simmons on Fresh Air. He would give long, loving soliloquies on how intelligent he was. He would routinely berate cab drivers who spoke no English, yelling that he was in a race and could they please bend the laws of physics and move the car faster. He often hired local people to act as guides, something that, while not exactly forbidden in the race rules, sort of defeats the whole purpose of a race based on self-reliance.

But mostly what he did was abuse his wife. Verbally, mostly. He yelled at her for about three-quarters of the time they were on screen. When she was slow; when she couldn't properly build an Ikea bookcase; when she was vomiting from eating spicy soup; when she just didn't agree with him. He kept it verbal, except for the one or two times he actually drew his arm back and had to restrain himself from hitting her.

Keep in mind, I might have had a hard time not slapping the crap out of this woman myself. She was the whiniest creature this side of a rust sawblade. She cried not just at the drop of a hat, but also when the hat was picked back up and put on her head. She had the singularly annoying habit of trying to get through to people who didn't speak English by adopting--poorly--their accent.

So we had these two utterly repulsive people acting as ambassadors to the world. If I lived in a small grass hut in the most remote part of the world, cut off from all civilization, and had never heard of George W. Bush or any wrong America has done from Manifest Destiny through the Bay of Pigs, and Jonathon and Victoria knocked on my door and talked to me for more than three seconds, I, too would want to destroy the United States.

On tonight's show alone, we had a ten-minute mega-tear freak-out from Victoria because she got a boo-boo on her finger. This was followed by Jonathon urging a crowd of Ethiopian children running along the road with him to raise their fists in the air, presumably so he could indulge some bizarre Muhammed Ali "Rumble in the Jungle" fantasy.

These two sincerely odious individuals have, for weeks, been ruining for me one of the few shows I watch and enjoy on a regular basis. When they were informed that they'd come in last and had been eliminated from the race, I said a little prayer and thanked whatever powers exist in the universe that work for the greater good.

Their fifteen minutes over, my most fervent wish, from deep, deep inside my soul, is that the two of them fade into obscurity and never darken humanity's doorstep again, much less the doorstep of some poor, unsuspecting innocent who lives in a grass hut and hasn't yet learned to hate our country. 'Cause these two are a perfect Al Quaida recruiting tool.

the man was filled with far too obvious attempts at appealing to america's "he cain't be all that bad" instinct. i.e. the candy incident, aol comment, and the moment you describe so well from last night.

I had a bit more sympathy for her, (I took the crying as the obvious tell-tale sign of someone who is habitually matter what she did - and she was often right - she'd get yelled at), until last night's denoument, where she said that they enjoyed the race and each other, no matter what it looked like. That sent shivers down my spine.

But now, we deal with the more traditionally evil racers, as far as TAR is concerned: Hayden, Kendra/Freddy, and Rebecca/Doofus. ugh.
By the way, what IS Rebecca doing with that girl, er, guy? He acts like he's 12, he's obviously GAY and doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. She's smart, beautiful and hot. What's going on here?
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