Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, February 14, 2005


Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (A Valentine Play)

(Lucy and Jiff sit facing each other.)

JIFF: So what do you feel like doing tonight?

LUCY: Jiff, we should talk.

JIFF: Uh-oh. This sounds serious.

LUCY: I’ve come to a decision. I’m ending this relationship.

JIFF: You’re what?

LUCY: I’ve realized that you just don’t have what I’m needing right now and I don’t think you ever will, so I’m letting you go.

JIFF: I thought things were going well.

LUCY: Oh, Jiff. You poor sweet man. Of course you did. You see, you’re stupid.

JIFF: I’m—

LUCY: Look, this isn’t a big deal. You are not living up to your contractual obligations, so I’m voiding the contract.

JIFF: Yeah? Well I don’t remember seeing any “contract.”

LUCY: (Producing a document) This is your signature, is it not?

JIFF: (Beat) Um…yes.

LUCY: Okay. Now, if you look at page 4, subsection IX, you will notice a clause wherein I am given the right to terminate the relationship whenever I see fit.

JIFF: (Flipping through document) Page 4…subsection VII…subsection VIII…Oh for—Look, I have no recollection of signing this.

LUCY: Of course you don’t. You’re stupid. I thought we established that.

JIFF: Well, maybe we did and maybe we did. But—n’t. Didn’t. Shit. Wait.

LUCY: Jiff, this is nothing personal, okay?

JIFF: Not personal? How much more personal can it get?

LUCY: Look, guy, read through the contract. (He does.) You have failed to live up to about 85% of the obligations listed therein. If I don’t nullify this partnership, my stockholders could find me libel. And I don’t think that’s fair to you or me

JIFF: “Party of the first part is required to provide party of the second part with…three orgasms daily?”

LUCY: Well, that’s three on average.

JIFF: Well who the hell could do that?

LUCY: The last three guys I went out with.

JIFF: Oh. (Goes back to reading.)

LUCY: Jiff, I know this is rough right now. But I think you’re going to look back on this and be glad it ended when it did. Think of how much more time you could have wasted in a relationship that wasn’t living up to its potential.

JIFF: I was supposed to make you breakfast in bed every other weekend.

LUCY: Well, that was just if you wanted to earn the bonus.

JIFF: So that’s it, huh? I don’t meet contract requirements, I’m gone?

LUCY: Pretty much. Hey, I’ve written you a letter of recommendation.

JIFF: You have? But I thought I was awful.

LUCY: Well, yeah, pretty much. But mostly you’re just not right for me. I’m positive there’s someone out there for whom you’d be the perfect match.

JIFF: Yeah?

LUCY: Yes. Someone not too picky. And I’ve also prepared this severance package, which I think you’ll find more than fair. (Hands him an envelope.)

JIFF: (Opening it) Oh yeah?

LUCY: It’s a naked picture of me, which you’re allowed to masturbate over for a two-month period, after which it’s to be cleaned and mailed back to me.

JIFF: Oh. Well thank you. That’s very generous.

LUCY: I know.

JIFF Um, okay, one thing? Could I get my Penn State sweatshirt back? It’s the one thing I have left from college and it means a lot to me.

LUCY: Jiff, Jiff, Jiff. Page two, subsection III: “Upon termination of the relationship, the party of the first part gives up all rights to any gifts given/clothing loaned during the term of the relationship.”

JIFF: Ah. Well, okay, yeah. There it is.

LUCY: Yup. So, this is goodbye, then.

JIFF: Okay.

(He goes to hug her. She pushes him away and then grabs the contract, finding a section and showing it to him.)

JIFF: Right. Impersonal handshakes only. Well then…

(They shake.)

LUCY: See you around. (Exit. Pause)

JIFF: I can’t believe I got the naked picture. Score!


This is one of those posts that I feel the need to comment on, but have absolutely no idea what to say.
Love, exciting and new,
Come aboard.
We're expecting you.
Love, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow,
it floats back to you.

The Love Boat
soon will be making another run.
The Love Boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's Looooove!
Welcome aboard - It's Looooove!
The part about the nude photo is brillaint. I was disappointed, however, that your production did not allow for the inclusion of multiple actors playing the parts of Jiff and Lucy. For the lack of spinning, I give it a 4 out of 5. ;)
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