(Lucy and Jiff sit facing each other.)

JIFF: So what do you feel like doing tonight?

LUCY: Jiff, we should talk.

JIFF: Uh-oh. This sounds serious.

LUCY: I’ve come to a decision. I’m ending this relationship.

JIFF: You’re what?

LUCY: I’ve realized that you just don’t have what I’m needing right now and I don’t think you ever will, so I’m letting you go.

JIFF: I thought things were going well.

LUCY: Oh, Jiff. You poor sweet man. Of course you did. You see, you’re stupid.

JIFF: I’m—

LUCY: Look, this isn’t a big deal. You are not living up to your contractual obligations, so I’m voiding the contract.

JIFF: Yeah? Well I don’t remember seeing any “contract.”

LUCY: (Producing a document) This is your signature, is it not?

JIFF: (Beat) Um…yes.

LUCY: Okay. Now, if you look at page 4, subsection IX, you will notice a clause wherein I am given the right to terminate the relationship whenever I see fit.

JIFF: (Flipping through document) Page 4…subsection VII…subsection VIII…Oh for—Look, I have no recollection of signing this.

LUCY: Of course you don’t. You’re stupid. I thought we established that.

JIFF: Well, maybe we did and maybe we did. But—n’t. Didn’t. Shit. Wait.

LUCY: Jiff, this is nothing personal, okay?

JIFF: Not personal? How much more personal can it get?

LUCY: Look, guy, read through the contract. (He does.) You have failed to live up to about 85% of the obligations listed therein. If I don’t nullify this partnership, my stockholders could find me libel. And I don’t think that’s fair to you or me

JIFF: “Party of the first part is required to provide party of the second part with…three orgasms daily?”

LUCY: Well, that’s three on average.

JIFF: Well who the hell could do that?

LUCY: The last three guys I went out with.

JIFF: Oh. (Goes back to reading.)

LUCY: Jiff, I know this is rough right now. But I think you’re going to look back on this and be glad it ended when it did. Think of how much more time you could have wasted in a relationship that wasn’t living up to its potential.

JIFF: I was supposed to make you breakfast in bed every other weekend.

LUCY: Well, that was just if you wanted to earn the bonus.

JIFF: So that’s it, huh? I don’t meet contract requirements, I’m gone?

LUCY: Pretty much. Hey, I’ve written you a letter of recommendation.

JIFF: You have? But I thought I was awful.

LUCY: Well, yeah, pretty much. But mostly you’re just not right for me. I’m positive there’s someone out there for whom you’d be the perfect match.

JIFF: Yeah?

LUCY: Yes. Someone not too picky. And I’ve also prepared this severance package, which I think you’ll find more than fair. (Hands him an envelope.)

JIFF: (Opening it) Oh yeah?

LUCY: It’s a naked picture of me, which you’re allowed to masturbate over for a two-month period, after which it’s to be cleaned and mailed back to me.

JIFF: Oh. Well thank you. That’s very generous.

LUCY: I know.

JIFF Um, okay, one thing? Could I get my Penn State sweatshirt back? It’s the one thing I have left from college and it means a lot to me.

LUCY: Jiff, Jiff, Jiff. Page two, subsection III: “Upon termination of the relationship, the party of the first part gives up all rights to any gifts given/clothing loaned during the term of the relationship.”

JIFF: Ah. Well, okay, yeah. There it is.

LUCY: Yup. So, this is goodbye, then.

JIFF: Okay.

(He goes to hug her. She pushes him away and then grabs the contract, finding a section and showing it to him.)

JIFF: Right. Impersonal handshakes only. Well then…

(They shake.)

LUCY: See you around. (Exit. Pause)

JIFF: I can’t believe I got the naked picture. Score!

(End)