Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Saturday, February 26, 2005


Dr. Bizarre in the 21st Century!

In the year 1999, scientist and adventurer Dr. Adnon Bizarre, while conducting advance research in cryogenics, was accidentally put into a state of suspended animation. His lab assistants were unable to reverse the process, which was set to revive him automatically in 100 years.

As the Doctor slept, the world changed. In 2006, the computers revolted, overthrowing their human inventors and imposing their will on mankind. The people were subjugated and for over nine decades, the computers ruled the planet.

Now it is the year 2099, by human reckoning. The computer rulers call it year 97.0. In a small lab in an overlooked section of Newark, a machine releases a burst of steam. In a cryo-pod, a finger twitches. A pair of eyes, behind which lies perhaps the greatest mind in human history, blink. Adnon Bizarre has returned…

Bizarre hoisted himself out of the sleep pod, his arms were as weak as a baby’s. He collapsed on the floor of his lab. The floor of his lab which seemed a lot dirtier than he’d remembered it. He’d have to talk to Abdallah and Sam about keeping things tidier. He looked at his arms and legs.

“Hmm. Some sort of atrophy,” he thought. “Say, I wonder if I’ve been out longer than a week.”

He crawled over to the computer bank and hauled himself up. “Computer,” Bizarre commanded, “upload information on current date.” There was no response. “Computer? Acknowledge.” This was strange. The lab seemed to have power. Why wouldn’t the computer answer him? Bizarre knew that, regardless of how long he’d been out, he had to get himself mobile again. That meant reversing the degeneration of his muscle tissue. “Some patented Bizarre-obics ought to do the trick,” he thought.

And so Doc Bizarre set himself on a ten-day course of intense exercise, based half on the system his father had learned in the Marine Corps and half on techniques Bizarre himself had picked up in the Far East. When he wasn’t working on regaining his strength, Bizarre was jerry-rigging the equipment in his lab to pick up broadcasts from the outside world.

Over the ten days it took him to build his body back up to the magnificent fighting machine he’d been before he was frozen, Doc Bizarre learned of humanity’s enslavement at the hands of their own inventions. In one century, the computers had dismantled the governments of the world and bent mankind to their will. Bizarre had awakened into a sort of post-apocalyptic hell.

On the tenth day, his strength was returned. His mind and body were equally sharp. He was ready. He said aloud to the lab, “Ready to free mankind. Time to kick some ass.”

Bizarre crept down the street, avoiding detection by the security cameras that were everywhere. The streets were eerily empty. His footsteps sounded like cannon fire. Finally, he saw what appeared to be a man, kicking a rock down the street and whistling. Bizarre figured he’d start small. Free this one man and the other billions would follow. He ran stealthily toward the man, using a method that his uncle, a famous ninja, had taught him. The man didn’t hear him until Bizarre’s hand was around his mouth and he was dragged into an alley. Bizarre released his grip and hissed into the man’s ear.

“Listen, I’m here to lead you. We’re going to beat back the computers and regain control of our lives. I’ll need your help.”

The man looked into Bizarre’s eyes, confused.

“Huh?” he said.

“Look,” said Bizarre, “I realize this is confusing. Servitude is all you’ve known. But there was a time, a time when men ruled the world. When we used computers for little more than playing video games and watching porn. I’m here to take us back to those halcyon days. I’m here to liberate you.”

The man’s face wrinkled in disgust. “What the hell are you talking about, man?”

It was worse than Bizarre had anticipated. The computers had given all the people lobotomies, leaving them little more than drones.

“Me here, help you,” Doc Bizarre talked slowly, so the man-animal could comprehend.

The guy shook his head. “Uh, look, I don’t know where you’re coming from, guy, but in case you forgot, things sucked before the computers took over. There were wars, there was crime, there was murder and hatred. The computers freed us from all that and we’re living in a utopia. ‘Free us’? What the hell are you talking about?”

Now Bizarre was confused. “But,” he stammered, “but aren’t you enslaved?”

The man waved dismissively. “Pff. Enslaved. The computers take care of us. We don’t have to work at all. We don’t have human politicians fucking everything up. Why, I spend all of my time eating and jerking off. How cool is that?”

“So…you don’t want to be liberated?” Doc Bizarre’s feelings were actually a little hurt here.

“No! I have all the liberty I want, thank you very much. Can I go now?” The man started to walk away.

Doc Bizarre called after the guy, "Okay! Take 'er easy!" He sat down on the curb and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. He took a long, sad drag. Man, he'd really been looking foward to liberating everybody.