Aries: You will spend a few days recovering from your craziest Mardi Gras ever. Eating two TV dinners and watching four full hours of Dr. Who? You, sir, are a wild man!
Taurus: The pope may have mentioned you in a special blessing today. Or he might have just been ordering a new catheter, it’s getting pretty hard to understand the guy.
Gemini: Remember that time you got really ripped, smeared peanut butter all over your naked body and ran around the neighborhood asking women to make you into a sandwich? Well, your wife and her divorce lawyer do.
Cancer: The old strategy of leaving something behind at your date’s house so that you have an excuse to contact them is a pretty sound plan. Using your artificial leg as that “something” is not.
Leo: It’s been too long since you cleaned out your refrigerator. Whatever it was in the Tupperware has now developed cognizance and is planning on organizing the rest of the food to stage a coup.
Virgo: The 120-person orgy you’re planning for Monday is probably not the type of Valentine surprise your wife was looking for. Stick with a card and some chocolates.
Libra: Try not to be too upset this week when you learn that most everyone you know is giving you up for Lent.
Scorpio: There’re only so many times a man can measure his penis before it becomes an obsession.
Sagittarius: You’ve got a black smudge on your head.
Capricorn: Just because you’ve been promoted to “deputy chief of staff,” don’t go getting a big head or anything. You’re still an asshole.
Aquarius: Sad to say, you’re about to go 0-for-33 in having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. So don’t bother shaving your legs.
Pisces: Hanging a “Free Samples” sign on your pants is not going to get you laid.