Aries: At a party this weekend, you’ll be cornered for an hour by Corey Feldman, who’ll want to tell you all about his relationship with Michael Jackson. I would advise you to throw a lit match at whatever hair product he’s using and run for it.
Taurus: This week, you will finally solve the age-old riddle, “How much mayonnaise is too much mayonnaise?”
Gemini: After five years of scrimping and saving, you’ve finally saved up enough to buy that new car you’ve been dreaming of. Unfortunately, your local Hot Wheels dealer will be out and you’ll have to order it directly from the Mattel factory in Shanghai.
Cancer: You’re haunted all week by the notion that maybe Scoundrel Days isn’t A-Ha’s strongest album.
Leo: Leo, if your brand-new girlfriend asks you if you’ve ever hired a prostitute, the correct answer is, “No.” Then just hope she doesn’t see your credit card statements.
Virgo: For some reason, the ghost of Mother Theresa will be hanging out behind your ficus tree this week. On the plus side, she’ll make sure all the dead leaves get swept up.
Libra: You decide this week to elect Howard Dean Chairman of your Heart.
Scorpio: Stop trying to blame the dog for your farts.
Sagittarius: You might get away with photocopying your genitals at work this week. Your plan to photocopy your boss’s genitals while he’s sleeping, however, is a bit dicier.
Capricorn: It’s one thing to proudly say that your zucchini bread is the best in the county. It’s another thing entirely to claim it can raise the dead and smite your enemies.
Aquarius: Your big President’s Day plans fall through when you discover that nobody else in the country has big President’s Day plans.
Pisces: You have a hard time explaining to your wife just how you were almost awarded the Best in Show at last night's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Try showing her a picture of the Wire-Haired Dauchshund for whom you were mistaken.