Oh, what a ceremony that was! The gowns! The glitz! The moving speeches! Huh? Why, I'm talking about the Oscars, of course. What's that? You say the awards aren't handed out until this evening? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Now who's being naive?
My friends, despite what you may have been led to believe, the Oscars are anything but live. They're carefully assembled on a Burbank sound stage over the course of a month. C'mon, you don't think the writers come up with those brilliant, brilliant jokes all in one night, do you? No, the awards have already been handed out by the time you're watching Melissa Rivers lick all those boots on the red carpet.
As a member of the press, much like my esteemed colleague Jeff Gannon, I have access to the ceremony as soon as it's been edited together, so I got to watch today at the first semi-public screening. And since one of my favorite things in the world to do is to wreck people's fun, thus promoting misery (see my tagline above), I'm going to share with you all of the most surprising moments from this year's Oscars.
Chris Rock gets off to a rocky start with a suggestion that the viewing audience turn off the telecast and "for Christ's sake do something worthwhile".
In a special comedic salute to the nominees for Best Documentary, presenter Kate Bosworth re-enacts the vomiting scene from Super Size Me.
Upon winning the Best Costume Design award for Troy, Bob Ringwood shocks, shocks the audience by revealing that he's gay.
Hardwood pulls off a stunning upset over The Children of Leningradsky in Best Documentary Short Subject, signalling the crowd that, this year, all bets are off.
Best Actress Catalina Sandino Moreno, winner for Maria Full of Grace, announces that she's giving up acting and going to live in a convent upon discovering that Joe Wack is married and unavailable.
Presenter Robin Williams has to be wrestled to the ground and sedated when he goes off on a rambling half-hour riff having something to do with lesbians on cocaine or flatulent dinosaurs or some such goddamn thing.
Mel Gibson takes home the Best Director award, despite not being nominated. For his acceptance speech he smashes himself repeatedly in the face with the award while speaking in Aramaic.
The Kodak Theater is flooded in waves of vomit when the entire audience pukes while sitting through the Counting Crows singing their nominated Best Song from Shrek 2.
The president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences announces that, in an effort to improve Oscar ratings, next year will be a special All Michael Bay Oscars, in which every nominee in every category will be Michael Bay. The artistic community applauds thunderously.
Next year, my hope is that, instead of sitting in my apartment watching the Oscars, I'll actually be there. Stalking someone. It's a dream.