There's so much going on in the world. We live in a busy age; it's hard to keep up with what's happening here and abroad. Let's face it, you don't always have time to spend a leisurely half hour watching Peter Jennings. And newspapers? Forget about it. Who can honestly spare the time to read an entire article in USA Today? In this day and age, you need news that's more condensed. News that's been chewed up, half-digested and then spit into your hungry little brain. So here it is, folks: The Hairshirt Newsbrief.
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush have gone to Asia to offer U.S. support in tsunami relief efforts. This story is wonderful on so many levels. First, the bi-line of this story is Phuket, Thailand. If that's pronounced how I think it's pronounced, that's just funny. Second, can't you just see the two of these guys? Forced to share a hotel room; Clinton's slovenly ways just getting under the skin of Bush. Maybe Clinton brings home a couple of Thai chicks and wants Bush to serve as his wing-man, but George is just too uptight and ends up discussing economics with his chick, who's all bored. Seriously, I'd pay to have this shit filmed.
The Catholic church received 1,092 new complaints of sexual abuse by a priest according to a . Everyone at the Vatican was so psyched when they finally crossed the 1,091 benchmark, breaking the record set by the U.S. Army. The 1,092nd victim was a bit surprised when the bells went off and the confetti dropped, but he was just as excited and happy as the archbishop when he saw the prizes he'd earned for his record-setting sodomizing: a genuine pope hat, season tickets for pulse-pounding Notre Dame football, a hilarious "I was raped by a priest and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt and $50 in free groceries. I have to confess, I'm a little jealous.
The launch of the space shuttle, grounded after the 2003 Columbia disaster, has been set for May. Astronauts onboard the International Space Station expressed gratitude and excitement that the shuttle would finally be replacing inferior Russian rockets making regular supply runs. Mostly, says astronaut Carl Young, the crew is just happy that they'll finally be getting their hands on superior quality American porn, as they've been making due with Soviet-era "Girls on Tractors" smut for months.
Microsoft is recalling approximately 14 million defective power cords on their popular X-Box gaming consoles. They will be taking a huge financial hit to send new cords overnight to desperate customers who, without power for their X-Boxes, have been forced to talk to their girlfriends for extended lengths of time.
The NHL is reporting little-to-no progress in last-ditch efforts to salvage the remainder of this year's professional hockey season. The owners and players have been under mounting pressure to find some solution to the impasse and avert a potential financial disaster for city governments, sports arenas that are now laying fallow and the powerful unions that represent barbers who specialize in mullets, as they stand to lose millions if the players are not around.
Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federschmeder are suing US Weekly magazine for publishing pictures of the couple's honeymoon. Apparently the shots were taken by hotel staffers who assured the duo that the pics would be used only for their personal photo albums. Says Spears, "I was mislead into sharing one of the most private moments in a person's life with the public. If I had known these pictures would be splashed across check-out counters all over the country, I could've arranged to look like much more of a whore."
In defiance of a ban on fox-hunting in Britain, hundreds of sportsmen took to their horses this weekend and led their hounds to track down and kill a fox. A spokesman for the group, Nigel Thornberry, told gathered representatives of the media, "This ban is a black eye on British society. It is our god-given right to dress up in sexually-questionable outfits and let our dogs do a bunch of running while we sit like impotent little bitch-boys on horses." Thornberry said he will continue to defy the Blair government, as long as inbred, snaggle-toothed blood ran in his pathetic veins.
Hairshirt is pleased to provide this useful service to you, our reader, and just ask that, in return, you take the time you saved and do the damn dishes that've been sitting in your sink all week. What the hell kind of slob are you?
