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Friday, February 25, 2005


Q: Is the Pope Polish? A: Apparently Not for Much Longer

What kind of person is best qualified to be the guiding light for millions upon millions of people all around the world? What kind of person should be using their sharp, analytical mind to examine the word of God and interpret it for the masses? What kind of person has the strength to fight the devil in all of his guises and save mankind? Apparently, this kind of person.

Please explain to me how the Pontiff is supposed to spread the blessings of God to the world when he can't say them. Why in God's name (literally) do Catholics not give this guy his pension and kick him into a really snazzy rest home? They just punched a hole in the man's throat; he can't take communion, much less give it. Does his life insurance policy pay triple if he's still pope when he kicks it or something?

I'm sorry, but there is no job out there that should be bestowed upon somebody until they die. If somebody is no longer physically or mentally able to do their job, they shouldn't have the job. I'm not talking about if somebody gets pregnant. I'm not talking about if somebody breaks a leg. I'm not talking about if someone has to undergo a round of chemo. All of these are situations in which you stand a better than average chance of springing back and returning to fighting form, as it were. The pope isn't gonna recover from old age. The entire world knows that the guy needs to leave the job.

So what this tells me is that the hierarchy of the Catholic church just doesn't know how to break it to the guy. So here's some suggestions:
  • Have every Catholic around the world, at the same time, start singing Ray Charles' classic Hit the Road, Jack.
  • Do a very special boardroom on The Apprentice. Trump to pope: "You're fired."
  • Stripper-gram. What better way for an old man to learn he's been canned than to read it written in lipstick on huge tits?
  • Send him an e-mail.
  • Set him adrift on an ice float.
  • Get Jesus to do it. They're pals, right?
  • Have one of the cardinals line the pope and a couple of other guys up. The cardinal says, "Okay. Everyone who's still the pope take a step forward...Not so fast, John Paul."
  • Spell it out in chocolate chips on a gigantic cookie. Bad news always tastes great when dunked in milk.
  • Go old school and have one of the candidates for the job garrote him.
  • Write his letter of termination in small, edible ink on a communion wafer.
  • Drive him out into the country and just set him loose.
  • Set him up in a tiny fake Vatican, so that he thinks he's still in charge.
Whatever they do, they need to do it quick. The Catholic church is in danger of becoming an outmoded institution whose ideas are no longer in step with modern society. And we'd hate to see that happen, wouldn't we?

Fucking Brilliant!
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