Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Star Wars Episode III: The Waste of the Taxpayers' Money

I just read, over on Google News, that our national missile defense system has failed again. Boy, that's a rough one, isn't it? I feel really bad for those poor defense contractors. They're catching so much flak from all sides. Everybody's on their backs all the time, yelling, "What the fuck are you doing with the trillions of dollars we're giving you? Is it all being blown on hookers and coke?" The Bush administration is pressuring them to come up with something that works, or else. The public is making fun of them and calling it all a waste of time. You can't help but root for these poor buggers.

So I got to thinking, if whatever it is that these geniuses are doing--oh wait. Sorry. I meant, if whatever these "geniuses" are doing isn't working, perhaps they need to redirect their thinking. How best to defend our nation against missile attacks? Hmm.

Perhaps they've just had the wrong guys working on it. Maybe instead of guys who spent their formative years working out quadratic angles or measuring their dicks with a slide rule or whatever the fuck smart people do, they should tap into the large pool of wasteoids who haunted video arcades. Among these slovenly hordes, they're bound to find a whole bunch who got to the highest level of Missile Command. You just have these guys sitting in a bunker with some Pringles and Coke and, when there's an attack, you have them manning some lasers. At least it'd get them out of their parents' houses.

Perhaps they've been using a technological approach when more arcane methods are called for. I think maybe they should contact Harry Potter and the Griffindor Quidditch team. Why, those kids are so skilled in their broomplay, they'd make short work of any attack. A nuclear missile is ever so much easier to locate than a golden snitch!

Perhaps the Bush administration needs to take the lead here. Since they love our country so much, why don't we have a plan wherein, if missiles are launched at us, Bush puts that flight suit he loves so much back on and he, Rove, Cheney, Rumsfeld and the rest of the gang sacrifice themselves by flying planes directly in the path of the oncoming missiles. Think of how his approval rating would soar!

Perhaps we should shift the focus. What if, instead of worrying about stopping the missiles from landing, we just make sure that they don't do any damage when they hit? Let's just rebuild all of our homes out of rubber. Then the missile crashes into your garage and it bounces right back up!

Perhaps subterfuge is necessary. Why don't we just pretend to be Canada? When the missiles arrive, we just say, "America? Never heard of it. Sorry, but you can't explode here."

Perhaps we should think a bit further outside the box. What if we took our cues on missile defense from a John Hughes movie? Just as the jock character taped a kid's buns together in the locker room, we could stop the missiles before they're launched by sneaking into whatever country wants us dead and taping the silo doors shut. Why should we cower like the Anthony Michael Halls of the world when we could run athletically through the library like Emilio Estevez?

Perhaps we should head them off at the pass. Instead of waiting in dread for some nutjob like Kim Jong Il to take us out, we just tear our cities apart before he gets a chance. At least we'd be taking our fate into our own hands. I call this one the Kevorkian Gambit.

Perhaps we should have not re-elected a president who pisses off the entire fucking civilized world so that people want to bomb us. That's the one that makes the most sense to me.