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Thursday, February 17, 2005

 

They Blinded Us with Science!

I just read an AP story about a study that has found that people who drink two-to-three cups of coffee per day seem to have a lower risk of developing liver cancer. This was a ten-year study of over 90,000 people. There were, I'm certain, scientists whose entire careers were about this study. This study required, I would imagine, hundreds of thousands of dollars (or however many yen or whatever) at least.

Common sense would tell you that, if you drink two to three cups of coffee, you're going to piss. A lot. The more you piss, the more toxins you flush out of your system. The more toxins you flush out of your system, the lower your risk of liver cancer. There. I just came to a conclusion that cost no yen and found pretty much the same result.

I'm willing to bet that these scientists never really did any study. Probably, they took their grant money and spent it on crystal meth and porn (or whatever bad habits scientists get into) and then pulled a few numbers out of the ether, slapped 'em down on paper and laid out some common sense that nobody would question.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that this kind of crap goes on all the time. If all of these "scientists" we've got in the world were actually working on these problems, don't you think one of the arrogant pricks would've come up with a cure for the common goddamn cold by now?

But no! We all have to look up to the scientists. They're oh so intelligent! They gave us velcro and the flavor that goes into Big Macs! They deserve our love, our unquestioning loyalty and our money. Especially our money. I call bullshit. Here's my theory:

After years and years of getting beaten up at the beach, compounded with resentment at being portrayed as criminally insane cranks who let loose The Brain That Ate Tokyo and hundreds of other man-made movie monsters in the middle part of the last century, scientists finally decided to stop working for the good of the world that had treated them so shabbily.

So they held a meeting in their big Science Clubhouse, or wherever the fuck they congregate, and realized that they could have a sweetheart deal if they wanted it. The average yutz on the street doesn't understand scientific jargon and is too fucking lazy and/or stupid to look into it. So scientists had the ability to put whatever kinds of numbers they wanted to down on paper, throw in a couple of terms like "quadralatic fungergram" or whatever and tell us it meant whatever they wanted.

And it worked! Why, it's the best scam since the Bush family put a retard in the White House and nobody's ever thought to question it. Until today.

But now the line is drawn. I've had about all I can stand from these "scientists". Consider the gauntlet hurled. Be aware, "doctors". Hairshirt is on your tail. I'm making it my mission to expose you for the lab-coated frauds you are. Let's expose your "research" to the light of day and see how long it takes it to go up in flames like a lab coat left on a Bunsen burner. You're going down, lab boys!

Yippee ki-yi-yay!

Comments:
Shit, Joe. You're onto us.

We're going to have to send one of our killer brains after you now. Can't have this getting out.
 
I agree with Brian.....and I know where you live...................
 
He's so brave, he's so brave
He'll be their love slave
Forever
 
Mmmm... Big Macs.
 
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