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Sunday, February 13, 2005


The Truck for the Dickless Man

When I was in Europe this summer, I noticed that one of the ways in which France is superior to the U.S. is that they've got the sense to drive small, gas-efficient cars. I cited stretch Hummer limos as an example of how ridiculous Americans can be about their vehicles. Now, it would seem, there's an even better example.

The Bad Boy Heavy Muscle Truck is a new vehicle for men with multiple millions of dollars and absolutely no penises. These trucks, according to the Associated Press, have a base price of $225, 000. That gets you a 7 ton monstrosity that gets about a yard a gallon, but can drive through a football field full of terrorists without breaking a sweat. For $750, 000, you can get the tricked-out "NBC" version, which protects the driver and his cowering, huddled passengers against, I shit you not, "
fallout from nuclear, biological and chemical weapons by over-pressurizing the cab with filtered, clean air much like an aircraft."

Daniel Ayers, the president of the company that makes these things, Homeland Defense Vehicles, LLC, says
"There's a certain group of people who color outside the box," and if they want to escape a city targeted by terrorists with dirty bombs or biological agents, "this is the truck for them."

So what box is it, exactly, outside of which these fucking pinheads are coloring? Would that be the Box of Sanity? Perhaps the Box of Using Your Money for Something Worthwhile? I can tell you for certain that there are some boxes that these nutsacks are most decidedly in. I would definitely put them in the Box of Paranoia. I would then put that box in the Box of Ludicrously Conspicuous Consumption. I would fill that partway with packing peanuts, then float the Box of Someone Removed My Brain and Replaced It With monkey Feces inside of it.

Three quarters of a million dollars for a truck. You know how many people you could feed, house and clothe for that kind of money? Do you know how many shows small, struggling theater companies could put on with that kind of money? Do you know the only people who are going to have that kind of money? Executives at Haliburton! And I hope to goddamn hell that those sons of bitches take their Bad Boy Heavy Muscle Trucks to Iraq to inspect their investments and then find out that the company that put them together did the same shitty kind of job as some of the companies that build transport for our troops!

Sorry, I got on my high horse and it carried me right the fuck away. I don't think I've gotten that worked up about a truck since I played with my Transformers. Say...there's an idea. Bad Boy could come out with a truck that morphs into a robot that can just step on the terrorists. Oooh! I'm gonna go patent that.

Jesus! Only in Texas.
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