Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Bad News

(A diner. Lula is seated with Vince. Deputy Zippo enters and looks around.)

DEPUTY ZIPPO: I’m sorry, folks! Folks! Could I have yore attention please? (The room quiets down) Sorry to disturb y’all when yore eatin’, but is there a Lula Quackenbush here?

LULA: That’s me.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Ma’am, I’m Deputy Zippo. County Sherrifs?

LULA: How can I help you, Deputy?

DEPUTY ZIPPO: You had a son named Greg?

LULA: Have. I have a son named Greg.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Ah, now, doggone it. See, I told them I shouldn’t do this.

VINCE: What?

DEPUTY ZIPPO: I blew it already.

LULA: I’m afraid you’ve lost me, Deputy.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: “Have.” Okay, let me start over. Ma’am, do you “have” a son named Greg?

LULA: Ye-es.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Greg Quackenbush, the screaming homosexual?

LULA: What?

VINCE: Now, Deputy, I don’t think Greg—

DEPUTY ZIPPO: No, trust me: he was. Is. Sorry.


DEPUTY ZIPPO: Anyway, now, you’re confirming that Greg “Ankle-Grabber” Quackenbush is yore son, is that correct, ma’am?

LULA: Yes?

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Well, ma’am, I regret to inform you that Greg was a casualty in the explosion at the pie factory this morning.

LULA: Oh my God!

DEPUTY ZIPPO: I’m very sorry to trouble you at this moment, but I need to ask you some questions. Is that all raht with you, ma’am?

LULA: Um, sure. Sure.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: When we went to yore son’s apartment this morning, we found a, quite a large stash of home-made kiddie porn.

VINCE: Jesus.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Did Greg ever talk to you about where he created this kiddie porn?


DEPUTY ZIPPO: He never just kinda casually said, “Hey, I’ve got these twelve-year-old Inuit siamese twins I’m gonna shoot this watersports movie with, could I borrow yore vibrator?”

LULA: Oh, sweet Jesus.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Okay, I’ll just put that you were unaware of the…

VINCE: (Taking Lula’s hand) Shhh. It’s okay.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Ma’am, do you know approximately how long Greg was manufacturing high-grade heroin?

LULA: Aagh!

VINCE: Look, Deputy, I think this is all coming as quite a shock to Mrs. Quackenbush. Can the questions wait until she’s maybe had a chance to absorb some of this?

DEPUTY ZIPPO: Sure. Sure. Sorry.

VINCE: Thank you.

DEPUTY ZIPPO: One last thing, ma’am.

LULA: Yes?

DEPUTY ZIPPO: From yore friends at work.

(Deputy Zippo pulls out a radio, hits play and we get C+C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now. Deputy Zippo pulls off his tear-away pants and begins to gyrate. Lula looks lost. Deputy Zippo gives her a lap dance. Lula resumes crying. Vince hands her a dollar, which she, still sobbing, stuffs in Deputy Zippo’s underwear, after which he stops dancing, grabs his clothes and gets ready to go.)

DEPUTY ZIPPO: In deepest sympathy. (He leaves.)