HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, March 02, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Your incessant bragging about winning your office Oscar pool has officially reached Really Fucking Annoying status...now.
Taurus: I'm going to suggest that you rethink your decision to buy your nephew that Baby's First Boa Constrictor kit. Gemini: Finances are at the front of your mind this week, Gemini. The back of your mind, though, is completely empty. So are the sides and the middle. Lotta space in there. Echo! (echo! echo!) Cancer: While many women are attracted to a man who reads, Cancer, you're not going to have them swooning with your encyclopedic knowledge of Richie Rich. Leo: A chance encounter with Bert Convy fifteen years ago still haunts you to this day. It's time to let it go, Leo. Virgo: As fantastic as the idea sounds, at least sleep on it a couple of days before investing your life savings in your buddy's Make Your Own Borscht restaurant. There's a chance you're overestimating the public's love of beets. Libra: You report to Spring Training in great shape and ready to play. This would mean a lot more if you were on one of the teams. Scorpio: As the Chinese proverb says, "Don't go looking for happiness in a cow's intestines, for even if it's there, it's going to smell really fucking foul." Sagittarius: You're about to meet the man of your dreams this week, Sagittarius. The man of your really bad, embarrassing dreams. Capricorn: Before you make that purchase this week, Capricorn, stop and think, "Do I really need a fourth yogurt maker?" Aquarius: As devastated as you are that The Bachelorette's relationship didn't work out, you need to remember that you've still got a lot to live for, Aquarius. Like...uhh...boy, I'm coming up snake eyes on this one. Pisces: Your new nipple piercings prove dangerous when you become stuck to a giant electromagnet at the science museum.
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