Aries: This week, Aries, you get kicked out of bed for eating crackers.

Taurus: A family pet will have a great impact on your life this week, Taurus, when you discover that you’ve inadvertently eaten it.

Gemini: No matter how elated they are by the Supreme Court’s ruling against capital punishment for people under 18, youthful Geminis should still not go on any murderous rampages this week. Wait until the middle of the month, when Jupiter is ascendant.

Cancer: Ice cream with sprinkles? Good idea. Liver with sprinkles? Not so much.

Leo: Career-wise, you need to be thinking less “high-powered CEO” and more, “circus-geek who bites the heads off chickens and opens beer bottles with his navel.”

Virgo: This week, everything falls into place without a bit of effort on your part, Virgo. Which you should probably know means that next week is going to totally suck.

Libra: You are completely unnerved by the news that Al-Qaeda planned in 2001 to kidnap Russell Crowe, mostly because you had the exact same plan in 2000.

Scorpio: I suppose your plan to make your fortune panning for gold might not be completely unrealistic, Scorpio, but probably you’re going to have to do it someplace other than your bathtub.

Sagittarius: You can make the world a better place, Sagittarius. All you’ve gotta do is smile. Did I say “smile”? Whoops. I meant “leave”. All you’ve gotta do is leave.

Capricorn: This week, Capricorn, you’re going to get so caught up in the passion of the moment that you forget to inform your sex-partner of your severe peanut allergy until after he’s smeared the Skippy Chunky-Style all over your tuchas.

Aquarius: Despite what the song says, this is very much not the dawning of your age.

Pisces: Stick to your guns this week, Pisces. Just, you really should make sure the safety's on first.