Aries: This is a good week to begin new projects, Aries. Maybe something like Picking Up the Shattered Pieces of Your Life and Trying to Forget the Last Twenty Years Ever Happened. That’d be a good project.

Taurus: For some reason, a huge chunk of your time this week will be spent on-line, arguing the finer points of Joe Dante’s film Innerspace.

Gemini: During your St. Patrick’s Day celebration this week, Gemini, you make the unhappy discovery that green beer makes for green puke.

Cancer: This week, Cancers who are president of the U.S. can send a big Fuck You to the world by appointing a gigantic asshole Head of the World Bank. But no Cancer would do that, would they?

Leo: The normally outgoing Leo will be a bit more introverted this week. Actually, “introverted” doesn’t quite cover it. “Agoraphobic” might be more appropriate, or maybe “cowering in the pantry in fear that the evil spirits will get him.” Not a great week, Leo.

Virgo: Leaves of three, let them be, Virgo. For God’s sake, Let Them Be!

Libra: This week, Libra, you go a little marmalade-crazy. I never really thought such a state was possible, but you’re about to prove me wrong.

Scorpio: Giving your co-workers fun nicknames is cute and all that, Scorpio, but is Douschebag really a nickname or is it more of a massive insult?

Sagittarius: A bump on the head brings you strange psychic flashes, Sagittarius. Actually, it brings a concussion that gives you the delusion of psychic flashes, but you’re not going to know the difference, so enjoy!

Capricorn: Children play a big part in your week, Capricorn. And you ought to know that they’re not enjoying being bound and gagged in your trunk.

Aquarius: This week, Aquarius, your shock over Robert Blake’s acquittal totally ruins your enjoyment of E’s re-enactments of the Michael Jackson trial.

Pisces: Despite what your asshole friend tells you, Pisces, "Erin Go Braugh" does not mean "Feel My Tits" in Celtic. Keep your hands to yourself or you're going to get maced.