HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: You have massive guilt and anxiety after eating steak on Good Friday until you remember that you're an atheist, at which point you have another steak and follow it up with a bucket of pork rinds. Then you remember that you're a vegetarian and the guilt starts all over.
Taurus: This week, congress gathers together in an emergency session and votes to remove your feeding tube. Apparently, you're lacking that certain je ne sais quois that makes them so keen on Terri Schiavo. Gemini: You've spilled some mustard on your underwear. Which brings up the whole question of why you're eating a hot pretzel with no pants on. Cancer: A friend is considering confronting you about your drinking problem. You could probably prevent this by not calling him at 3:00 AM to say, "I jus' fuckin' love you so mush, man. Broth', it's, see, 'cause we're broth's." Leo : Your Leo cleverness comes in handy this week, as you are actually able to convince your boss that you need off to celebrate "Holy Thursday." Virgo: It's nice that you're still so very young at heart, but 35 might be a good age to start leaving your "blanky" at home. Libra: A night on the town might be the perfect thing for you, Libra. Unless the town is Mesa, AZ, in which case you should stay the fuck inside. Scorpio: You should stop going to such elaborate lengths to maintain for your children the illusion that the Easter Bunny is real. Sneaking into your daughter's dorm room to hide chocolate eggs under her desk is only going to freak out her roommate and the guy she's banging. Sagittarius: Although you're in the mood for tuna, sliced roast beef also sounds good. The truth is, almost any variety of 9-Lives is delicious. Capricorn: This week, you recover a memory that your subconscious had blocked from you for years. When you discover that it's a really, really dull, boring memory, you go ahead and let it be blocked right back up. Aquarius: Just as Christ rose after three days, you will return a pair of shoes three days after you bought them. Okay, wait, that's not a very good analogy. Ah, well, shit. Pisces: Be careful this week; you could be gravely injured in a horrible egg-dying accident.
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