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Saturday, March 05, 2005


Hairshirt VII: The Revenge

Apparently Hollywood has absolutely no new ideas. Apparently, every single idea that could ever have been made into a film has already been fleshed out and produced. How else to explain the mania for completely unnecessary sequels? In the past year, we've had sequels to The Mask, Legally Blonde, fucking Baby Geniuses, for the love of weeping Christ! Nobody asked for those. You find me one non-retarded person in America who walked out of Baby Geniuses and said, "That was magical. I wish it would never have ended."

There's more on the way. A half-assed sequel to Get Shorty opened yesterday. Now, Get Shorty was a fun little movie and all, but I don't think there were a whole lot of lingering questions left at the end. There's a Miss Congeniality II on it's way as well, which, I believe, is actually listed in the Book of Revelations as a sign that the AntiChrist should be here within the month.

So does this, in fact, mean that any movie that doesn't go straight-to-video is now going to be brought back a second, even a third time? Are there now no movies that aren't in-utero franchises?

'Cause if that's how it's going to be, I think I've got some ideas that the studios just might be interested in.
  • Ray II--Having beaten heroin, Ray Charles decides to take down the men behind it. Using his radar-like sense of hearing and a vast arsenal of high-tech weaponry, Ray becomes a one-man army, fighting a war on the underworld.
  • Still Can't Stop the Music--The Village People live in the dullest retirement home in Florida, until the ghost of Nancy Walker shows them the healing power of disco.
  • Mr. Smith Returns to Washington--The idealistic senator and his troop of plucky boyscout chums find themselves behind enemy lines and running out of time when a mission to take down the Iranian government fails. Can Smith's amazing filibuster abilities defeat a nation of Islamic extremists?
  • More Pieces of April--This time, April has to cook a kosher feast for her new boyfriend's Passover Seder. But that's nothing compared to dealing with her family, who now all have cancer. Oi vey!
  • The Passion of the Christ II: Electric Boogaloo-- 'Nuff said.
  • Battlefield Earth, Part 2--Jonnie Goodboy Tyler and his band of rebels take the fight to the Psychlo homeworld, defeating the aliens' advanced technology with personality tests that help them maximize their potential.
  • Another Sleepover--The makers of Sleepover pull a fast one on young movie-goers by re-releasing the same movie with a slightly different title.
  • Re-Capturing the Friedmans--A fictional film that takes up where the documentary left off, Re-Capturing follows oldest son David as his clowning career takes off and he's rocketed to international clown stardom. Then, while being flown to Cannes to promote his new clown movie, he's forced to take down a team of high-jackers...who are led by a man David's father raped. Tense!
  • Casanegro--In the follow-up to Casablanca, Rick and Louie join the Resistance in Paris, but have to pose as a gay couple to fool the Nazis. Can Rick convince the SS that he's a bottom?
  • Lord of the Anklets: The Fellowship of the Anklet--In this unauthorized extension of the Middle-Earth saga, Frodo and Gandalf have to sail back from the Grey Havens when word reaches them that Lord Sauron left behind another piece of deadly jewelry: the very anklet that Sam's wife wears on her left foot! Peter Jackson turns the directorial reigns over to the uni-talented Michael Bay.
Isn't it nice to know that, no matter what movie you happen to enjoy, you can almost always count on seeing a whole lot more exactly like it? Yay corporations!