HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Monday, March 07, 2005It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World
It's official.
The world has, as of today, gone absolutely, undeniably batshit. That is to say, if the world was to put on an article of clothing, the most appropriate selection would be a straight-jacket. The entire planet needs some Halcyon and twice-weekly therapy. Am I making my point here? Let's talk about why I'm feeling this: First, there's talk--and apparently not just a jokingly tossed-off sentence, but actual consideration--of Bono being named president of the World Bank. Now, I know he's a smart, passionate guy. I know he's involved in the push for debt-relief for struggling nations. But come on. He's sung a James Bond theme. Nobody who's recorded a James Bond theme should be allowed to head a major international organization. You don't see Shirley Bassey running the Red Cross, do you? Let him organize charity concerts and such, but I think you'll find Adam Clayton and The Edge a little pissed if they have to rearrange their summer tour around an IMF summit. Then, there's the continuing poor behavior of America toward the rest of the world. We shot the guy who'd just successfully extricated Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena from her kidnappers and I don't think we've apologized yet. Unsatisfied with Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, we're now threatening Syria, saying that they'd better withdraw completely and immediately from Lebanon if they know what's good for 'em. The U.S. is seeming more and more like a fourth grader forcing all the kindergartners to do what he tells them in the sandbox. And now Bush has nominated someone who hates the U.N. to be our U.N. ambassador. Yeeargh! On top of all that, the Vin Diesel-as-nanny comedy opened in first place at the box office, people seem to still be interested in Ashlee and Jessica Simpson and I heard a muzak version of "Changes" while I was on hold today. David Bowie shouldn't be made into hold music. Billy Ocean should be made into hold music. Phil Collins should be made into hold music. Not Bowie. So I'm thinking we should stage an intervention. We should sit down with the world and tell it how concerned we are. We should tell it that we think maybe it needs to spend some time someplace quiet. We need to let it know that all this is not the world's fault, that it can happen to us all. Then we need to cart the world off to the cracker farm for a couple months, see if maybe some electro-shock might help. 'Cause this place is nuts.
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