Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, March 08, 2005


The Lovers

(An airport. Vance and Sandra enter and set their luggage down.)

SANDRA: Darling, I wonder...

VANCE: Yes, my sweet?

SANDRA: Are we rushing into this? Is it too big a step?

VANCE: Of course not. You crazy kid. You're nervous, I know. That's natural. But I tell you, we're going to be just fine.

SANDRA: Really?

VANCE: Yes. Sure, we just met two days ago. And yes, we're both married to other people. And then there's the fact that we're both fairly sure we're gay. Plus I'm completely impotent and you were born without genitalia. But dammit, we can overcome all of that. When you're in love, you can overcome any obstacles.

SANDRA: You don't think we're just kidding ourselves?

VANCE: Oh, darling. Of course we're just kidding ourselves. There's no way on God's green earth that we'll last more than a week. Why, I'd be surprised if we're still together when the plane lands.

SANDRA: I feel the same way!

VANCE: Hey, we're living life for the now! I don't care what happens down the road. I only care that right now I've convinced myself that you're the one for me.

SANDRA: Oh, my dearest temporary darling. You've got everything I don't care about in a man.

VANCE: My fake passion for you burns so bright! It's like a star. A bright shining star.

SANDRA: What I'm feeling now, I, I've never felt before. Every moment bursts with feeling. Every breath sings with the joy of living in the present. And yet...

VANCE: Yes, my pseudo-angel?

SANDRA: And yet I look strangely forward to the moment when I can be rid of you and hit on a waitress.

VANCE: We've got so much in common. Oh, I don't regret a thing. I want nothing more than to spend the next four to five minutes making you the happiest woman on earth.

SANDRA: I treasure you. Kind of.

VANCE: Let's go buy some mints, cause your breath is killing me.

SANDRA: And your ass truly, truly reeks.

(They exit)

True romance, baby.
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