Once again, Hairshirt is doing you, the reader, the great service of collecting news from all over, putting it into a food processor with half a cup of cream, four ounces of Velveeta Cheese and one sixteen ounce jar of Old El Paso medium salsa to bring you a spicy NewsBrief con Queso.
American and Ethiopian scientists have unearthed what they believe to be humankind's oldest walking ancestor. The fossilized remains were announced this week by an excited team of anthropologists. Near the site, the team also found the remains of humankind's oldest jay-walking ancestor, who they believe was in a hurry.
Pope John Paul II delighted his followers Sunday by appearing at his hospital window and waving at them. The 84-year-old pontiff did not have the strength to address the crowd, but he was feeling frisky enough to pull up his papal robes and give them his famous "holy moon". Two lepers in attendance were reportedly healed by the exposure to the pope's buttcheeks.
Finally responding on Sunday to the shooting of Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena by U.S. troops after she was freed by Iraqi kidnappers, President Bush denied any hostile intent on the part of American soldiers. "Those were welcoming bullets," the President said, "the kind you might fire at your grandmother when she comes for a visit. Eye-talians have no sense of proper etiquette."
A jury in Los Angeles found 34-year-old Zach Sinclair guilty of stalking actor/director Mel Gibson this week. The jury sentenced Sinclair to sit through Bird on a Wire, Maverick and Lethal Weapon 4, which they believe will cure him of ever wanting to see Gibson again. Sinclair's lawyers intend to appeal the decision, describing the sentence as cruel and unusual punishment.
Celebrities, family and friends gathered together in Aspen, Colorado this weekend to remember author and "gonzo" reporter Hunter S. Thompson. Left standing outside of the gathering was actor Gregory Harrison, who argued that he should be allowed to attend, citing his portrayal of maverick doctor "Gonzo" Gates on televisions Trapper John, M.D. He was, however turned away and returned to the set of Deadly Lethal Promises II, his latest made-for-TV movie for the Lifetime cable television network.
Appearing on ABC's "This Week" Sunday morning, U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow said that he and President Bush were "committed" to including privatized accounts in the overhaul of Social Security, saying that the plan, viewed as risky by some, is "absolutely essential" to keeping the system viable. Snow went on to say that he thinks frilly pink hats are "absolutely essential" to American women and that he and the President are "committed" to making sure that every woman is wearing a frilly pink hat. He said he believes that mayonnaise is "absolutely essential" to every sandwich. He concluded by saying he is "committed" to ensuring that every dog is wearing a cute bandanna.
Now, please take the time I have saved you by condensing the days news and go do something worthwhile, like washing your child, because he's getting really smelly.