Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Sunday, March 20, 2005



What with March Madness and all, I'm sure people are finding it harder than ever to keep up with current events. As a service to you, then, Hairshirt once again presents...

The Hairshirt Newsbrief.

In a move designed to shore up their image as the party that wants to get government off your backs, congressional Republicans are meeting today to pass a special bill that would get the feeding tube reinserted into Terri Schiavo. The bill, which President Bush has returned to Washington from his 34th vacation of 2005 to sign, would be extremely limited in scope and apply only to the Schiavo case, marking the first time that congress has passed legislation affecting only one person since the landmark Shelly Winters Act of 1971, which made it illegal for the actress to appear in public in a bikini. Opponents of the bill say that Republicans are heading down a slippery slope, which could lead to legislation to prevent specific women from seeking abortions or legislate that specific men could not pull out before they come.

Pope John Paul II had a severely limited role in today's Palm Sunday mass in Rome, attending the service and, at one point, waving a palm frond, but not actually saying anything . Vatican officials say that, while the 84-year-old pontiff is physically unable to conduct a traditional mass, those in attendance could still interpret his grunts, twitches and farts to divine his holy message.

According to sources in the FBI, handyman Kelly Frank, suspected of planning to kidnap and ransom the infant son of talk show host David Letterman, has been involved in previous kidnap plots. FBI agents who searched Franks' Montana home found detailed plans from the late 80s to abduct Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa. The FBI is considering dropping the charges in the Letterman case if Frank will agree to go ahead with his earlier plan.

There is evidence that the anti-war movement may be losing a little steam as the war in Iraq drags on into its third year. The Washington Post reports that attendance at rallies held yesterday to mark the two-year anniversary of the invasion of Iraq were significantly lower than at those held last year. Additionally, the marchers seemed uninspired in their protest chants, often coming up with nothing better than "Hey-hey! Ho-ho! Something something's got to go!" and "1, 2, 3, 4! Those are the numbers that come before 5!"

The CIA has stated that techniques used in interrogating suspected terrorists have always been legal and within the boundaries accepted by the international community. CIA director of public affairs Jennifer Millerwise denied Friday that the agency has used such tactics as holding a a prisoner's head under water, attaching electrical wires to his genitals and eating a really delicious piece of cake in front of him while making "yummy" noises, but not offering him any.

That's all from the Hairshirt newsdesk, I'm Geoff Gannon reporting.