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Thursday, March 10, 2005


Obi Wan Ke-naughty

Apparently, the next installment of the Star Wars series is going to be a slightly more grown-up film. Tired of the cuddly-wuddly world of ewoks, jawas and thinly-veiled racist stereotypes, creator George Lucas has decided to make Episode III: Revenge of the Sith a PG-13 affair. As always, Hairshirt is privy to all sorts of advanced information and so we bring you now the reasons this flick is inappropriate for the young 'uns.
  • Obi Wan Kenobi's first visit to Tatooine is set in a Mos Eisley tittie bar which features a double-vagged Dagoban stripper.
  • R2D2 and C3PO's gay-droid wedding seen by some as promoting both homosexuality and droidism.
  • This is the film that very graphically answers the question, "Does a Wookie shit in the woods?"
  • Yoda, Mace Windu and other members of the Jedi Council are shown passing a four-foot glass space-bong around in a party scene.
  • One too many "lightsabre-as-penis" analogies.
  • Irresponsible on-screen use of Carbonite might be replicated with disastrous results by lil'Jedi back home.
  • Instead of neatly dispatching a storm trooper with a blaster, Senator Amidala hacks him to death with a machete, then pisses on the pieces.
  • Merchandising may be too intense for younger viewers.
  • The reason for Darth Vader's mask is Anakin's horrid facial burns caused by a mishap while he's free-basing cocaine.
  • Overly violent scene in which Jar Jar Binks' eyes are gauged out and he's skull-fucked.
This definitely sounds like one for the grown-ups. Enjoy.