Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, March 03, 2005



So I'm on my sixth day of wifelessness as the Mrs. is still in Seattle visiting her family. It's just sad, man. I've reached a stage in my life where, in the absence of my wife, I float from room to room in this apartment aimlessly, seriously without a clue as to what I should be doing. Maybe it's the lack of human contact. I'm around small humans all day, but I wouldn't call it contact to yell, "If you throw one more book at her, I will be seeing you in detention! Now sit down!" repeatedly. Maybe it's fumes from dishes that have been sitting in the sink for days overwhelming my ability to think coherently. Maybe all the Oprah I'm exposed to when she's here is somehow necessary to my mental health.

Whatever the reason, I'm just kind of pitiful without her. It's fucking pathetic. It's so pathetic that I set out to come up with a list of people that are more pathetic than me to make me feel a little better. This is what I've got so far:
  • The president of the Missoula chapter of the Carrot Top Fan Club.
  • Any recently dumped guy whose heart starts beating faster when he sees a message from his Ex, though everyone in the world aside from him knows that she's only calling because she left her Ani DiFranco CD at his place.
  • A politician who abandoned his promising Senate seat to make a doomed run for the vice-presidency, earning the wrath of his constituents and pissing away any political capitol he'd earned.
  • Crack whores.
  • Bob Denver, every time he appears in public in that white hat or makes a "Don't call me Little Buddy" joke.
  • Any Girl Gone Wild who vomits on herself before she manages to hoist her top up.
  • People who get weepy listening to "Piano Man".
  • Fan boys who pay a comic book artist a couple hundred bucks for a drawing of Catwoman naked. (This actually happens.)
  • Anyone who will perform a soft-shoe while accompanying themselves on a wax-paper/comb kazoo for beer.
  • The guy who falls for the old The Weed I'm Selling You Is In This Sock But Don't Look Inside Until I'm Gone scam. This is more common than you might think.
  • Cleveland Browns fans.
  • Any person the moment they realize that their stomach virus is faster than their feet.
Well, this has worked. I feel a whole lot better.


Are you really really sure you're less pathetic than a crack whore? I mean the top 10% of all crack whores.
Welcome to the world of the single. I do feel for ya though.
The guy who falls for the old The Weed I'm Selling You Is In This Sock But Don't Look Inside Until I'm Gone scam. Surely nobody we know would ever fall for this.
You forgot "assistant crack whores".
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