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Tuesday, March 22, 2005


You Can't Spell "Obsequious" without "IQ"

A colleague of mine recently e-mailed me a rather interesting quiz. (In the interest of clarity, I should probably substitute the word "colleague" with the phrase "fellow indicted co-conspirator".) It seems he had been searching for a more accurate IQ test, having grown frustrated by result after result that placed his IQ in the single digits. It was, he said to me, all a matter of finding the test that meshes well with one's personality. The other 987 IQ tests he'd taken up to this point, he said, just didn't suit his engrams. The one he sent to me, he claimed, was designed with someone of his particular type specifically in mind. Take the quiz and see if it suits you.

A) Which of the following smells is least pleasant to you?
  1. Burnt street pretzels.
  2. A sock floating in bong-water.
  3. Your grandmother's dentures after she eats sauerkraut.
  4. The sweat that seeps from your pores as a result of your damnable cowardice.
B) Who would you be most likely to call if you found yourself in a Turkish prison following your arrest for attempting to smuggle a five-pound brick of hashish out of the country in your artificial leg?
  1. Judge Judy.
  2. The mafia.
  3. 1-888-HOT-TEENS.
  4. Vishnu.
C) A train leaving Cleveland at 4:30 heads west at 127 miles per hour carrying thirty tons of sweet potatoes. If a train heading east out of Chicago leaves at 5:00, traveling at 2 miles an hour, carries 8 million pre-baked pie crusts, what are the chances that, if the trains collide, some of the sweet potatoes and some of the crusts will smash together and form a tasty dessert?
  1. 1 in 5
  2. 27 in 429
  3. .5 in 1,000,000,000,000
  4. I don't find sweet potato pie tasty.
D) Eggs are to bacon as ______ is to _______.
  1. Kukla/Fran & Ollie
  2. schmuck/putz
  3. my soul/the abyss
  4. eggs/bacon
E) When the late existential poet Manolis Anagnostakis referred to his wife as "the unbending arm of the yogurt-covered cat", he was saying that she...
  1. ...would never eat pickled eggs.
  2. ...should have paid attention to his "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt.
  3. ...could bench-press a Yugo.
  4. ...rocked.
F) In a crowded theater, it is unethical to yell...
  1. "Oh fuck! Ben Affleck's in this!"
  2. "I'm not going to pay alot for this muffler!"
  3. "The next one of you motherfuckers who says 'I want to see that' after a preview is going to get this box of SnowCaps wedged sideways in their ass!"
  4. "Weep for me, oh ye Gorgons of academia!"

If you answered 1 to all of the questions, you are a GENIUS.
If you answered 2 to all of the questions, you are a GENIUS.
If you answered "Ohio" to all of the questions, you are HIGH.
If you answered 4 to all of the questions, you are a SUPER-GENIUS.
If you didn't answer the same number for every question, you're FUCKING STUPID.
If you don't like your score, just change it. It's not like anybody's going to contradict you. After all, you're a genius.

So wait, the answer wasn't Ohio?
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