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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

 

Gettin' Popey

Arrivederci Joseph Ratzinger! Buon Giorno Pope Benedict XVI!

That's right! The sexy cardinal with all the 'tude is now the baddest pontiff of all time! He's as holy as he wants to be! Stop! Pope Time! Do do do-do, do-do, do-do. Can't bless this!

Pope Benny promises to take everything you loved about J.P. and kick in the afterburners! This pope will be taking no shit off of no body. But who is this mysterious man behind the raiment? We at Hairshirt wanted to know, so we paid an eensy little bribe to our inside man in the College of Cardinals and he made sure that the first thing His Holiness did as pope was to fill out the Hairshirt Questionnaire. So here is the inside skinny, straight from the pontiff's mouth.

Name: Pope Benedict XVI. Pope, baby! Yeah! In your face, Archbishop Martini!

Nicknames: Cardinal Sin, Joey Bighat, Rat Singer.

Hobbies: Blessing things; Thai cooking; hand-made candles; Jeet Kune Do.

Favorite Song: MacArthur Park. (The Donna Summer version.)

Last Good Book Read: The Bible. (Duh!)

Pet Peeves: Fags; nuns who don't know their place; Satan; Muslims (so not a real religion); undercooked steak; when things aren't gilded enough; underwear that rides up; old guys who take forever to die so that younger guys have to wait to start really cool jobs.

If I could be anybody in the world, I'd be...: Pope, dude!

I have never...: Had sex. But I've heard all about it and I've got a lot of really strong opinions on the subject, which I think you're going to find interesting.

Turn-ons: None.

Turn-offs: Ignorant muhfuhs who don't speak Latin; giggly girls.

Some day I want to...: Be pope! Yeah! Yeah!


There you have it. Pope Benny sounds like he's gonna be one partyin' pontiff. Go Catholics! It's your birthday! Gonna party like it's your birthday!

Comments:
Wow, you scooped the Daily Show, and win the award for first really funny thing to be written about the new pope! Congrats
 
Is there a rule that the new pope has to be old enough to soon be the deceased pope?
 
Joe,
Yes, I like the shit you spew on a semi-daily basis.

But there was something special about the line "when things aren't gilded enough" that made me do a real-life spit-take.

Fortunately, I was able to divert the stream into my ample lap, the center of which even Natalie has yet to find.

All hail (heil?) Pope Adolph!
Edna
 
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