HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, April 06, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: The spring weather has you feeling exultant and energetic. Many would call this your "manic" phase.
Taurus: It is not a good idea to eat the Easter egg your kid just found this morning. Gemini: As the tax deadline approaches, you need to stay rational. You can't list your bartender as a dependent, no matter how much you drink. Cancer: You take advantage of the extra daylight this time of year brings by spending an extra hour watching your hot neighbor sunbathe naked. Good for you! Leo: Your election as Pope is put into serious jeopardy when you decide to select Pope Stinky Bubblebutt I as your papal name. Virgo: You are so upset by the outcome on the season finale of The Starlet that you totally forget that you're a dipshit if you care about the outcome on the season finale of The Starlet. Libra: This week you find yourself tempted to undergo risky cosmetic surgery. Please, look into the facts before you commit to this. Eyebrow transplants are still in the experimental stage. Maybe you might want to consider an eyebrow wig as a temporary measure. Scorpio: When your teenage daughter insists that her upcoming Spring Break trip to Mexico is going to be perfectly innocent, you may want to think back on the time you and your buddies were arrested in Daytona for doing body shots off a corpse in Screwie Louie's. Sagittarius: In Spring, Sagittarius, the young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. The young woman's fancy, though, turns to thoughts of pretty much anybody except you. Capricorn: You are elated as the Cubs begin a new season with a good shot at going into the post-season. This optimism will last until about Saturday. Aquarius: This week, your intention to go see the Diane Arbus show at the Met is repeatedly thwarted by the fact that you're two years old. Pisces: You are filled with an irresistible urge to fill your home with flagrant spring flowers. Unfortunately, you've forgotten that you should have gotten fragrant spring flowers and you're left with a bunch of really obvious posies.
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