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Wednesday, April 13, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Yes, ketchup is delicious, but putting it in your coffee is just not socially acceptable.

Taurus: Beware the color yellow. It's not any sort of harbinger of evil or anything, it's just all wrong for your skin tone.

Gemini: The stars indicate a lot of Kelsey Grammer in your immediate future. Take that for what you will.

Cancer: A light-hearted spring picnic goes tragically awry this week when you accidentally set your blanket down on a sunbathing 87-year-old and fail to notice until half-way through your baked bean course.

Leo: This week, you are stunned by the sudden revelation that French fries don't taste nearly as good when re-heated. You're pretty easily stunned, it should be noted.

Virgo: Your purchase of the dress Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz is thwarted by a nearly-rabid Richard Simmons. Trust me, you really don't want to know what he's doing with it.

Libra: A friend you haven't seen in twenty years manages to track you down this week. Apparently, you still owe him five bucks, and he's pissed.

Scorpio: This week, Scorpios may find their minds overrun with thoughts of starting a family, to the point where they're looking to steal any child they see, so everybody watch out for these crazy bastards.

Sagittarius: This week, you run a serious risk of demonic possession. If this happens, do not panic. Simply go to the nearest video store and rent an Ed Burns movie, then come home, put it in the DVD player and sit down. Generally speaking, the demon will become so enraged by trying to figure out how this hack could appeal to anyone, let alone respected critics, that they'll storm out of your house and return to the fiery depths.

Capricorn: Just because you can wear the outfit you wore to your high school prom, does it really mean you should? Parachute pants are most definitely not making a comeback.

Aquarius: Spritzing yourself with Febreeze is not the wonderful alternative to bathing that you seem to think it is.

Pisces: This week, you find Christ. Then it's his turn to cover his eyes and count to twenty while you hide. Christ is just so much fun to play with!

I thought Scorpio was my favorite until I got to Pisces.
Thank you for the Ed Burns remark. I fucking hate that guy.
I am a Sagitarius, and I happen to have a demon inside me right now who absolutely detests Ed Burns...Or maybe that's just me.

Truly, sir, you have the gift.
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