HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: You have trouble convincing anyone that the new pope is, in fact, the tool of Satan and will bring about the apocalypse. That's because you're absolutely mistaken. The real tool of Satan is Michael Bay and he won't be bringing about the apocalypse for another fifteen years, when he attempts a remake of Citizen Kane.
Taurus: The fact that you're camping out in front of a theater in order to be among the first to see Revenge of the Sith is not the scariest thing about you. The scariest thing is that you're trying to pick up women after spending a shower-less week in a home-made Jango Fett costume. Gemini: Your sexy plan to put a condom on your boyfriend with your teeth will work better when you don't do it in the back seat of a cab with bad shocks. Cancer: No matter what your dipshit psychiatrist is telling you, mental illness is sexy, Cancer. Flaunt it! Leo: You are not Johnny Cash. You don't sound a thing like him. So please, please, please stop singing "I Walk the Line" on the bus. Virgo: Romance beckons, Virgo. Venereal disease beckons, too, and they look a lot alike, so take care. Libra: Your Libran hunger for balance is upset today by the half-dozen shots of Jager you just downed. Scorpio: Your idea to market a soy-based Matzo substitute? Probably not going to make you rich this Passover season. Or next Passover season. Or ever. Sagittarius: Wax paper and hot glue are just not adequate tools to make pants, Sagittarius. Capricorn: This week, Capricorn, you're feeling a strange compulsion to share your buttocks with the world. Resist the urge, my friend. The world is not yet ready for them. Give it time. Give it time. Aquarius: You're feeling tremendous guilt this week, Aquarius, for having allowed peer pressure to make you vote for Ratzinger when, in your heart, all you were hearing was "Martini! Martini! Martini!" Time will salve this wound, my sweet, saddened cardinal. Pisces: Remember the old saying, "Good deodorant makes for good neighbors"? No? That's because I just made it up to tell you to wear some fucking deodorant, Pigpen.
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