HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: You need to ask yourself if breast implants are the wisest way to start experimenting with plastic surgery. Shouldn't you start with something smaller, like anal bleaching?
Taurus: Seeing as how you're not in the Senate, you can go ahead and filibuster all you want and I don't think anybody's really going to care. Gemini: You're not a panther. Cancer: Covering your genitals with frosting could be considered sexy, under certain circumstances, but since you're single and not sleeping with anybody, it's just kind of gross. Leo: The urge to travel is very strong in you today, Leo. So is the urge to drink until you puke. Guess which one you're going to do? Virgo: Yes, caramel corn is delicious. However, eating nothing else for a month is not quite the miracle diet you seem to think. Have a salad. Libra: Fight against your instincts; your blind date will not go better once you start talking in a "funny Chinese" accent. Scorpio: In search of culture, you decide that today is an excellent day to go to a museum. The good people at Madame Tussaud's thank you for your patronage. Sagittarius: Today, as everything you do seems to go wrong, you begin to suspect that there's something off about the Feng Shui in your pants. Capricorn: You're a little bit country. You're a little bit rock-n-roll. Mostly, though, you're polka. Loud, obnoxious polka. Aquarius: Despite your most fervent wishes, your job is not going to be rained out today. You're a CPA. So haul your ass out of bed. Pisces: Potential employers will not be impressed that you won the Wet T-Shirt Contest at Hooters Amateur Night. You probably should take it off of your resume. Unless you're applying to Hooters.
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