Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Friday, April 08, 2005


Numbers Don't Lie

President Bush is facing some of his lowest approval ratings yet, according to a poll conducted by the Associated Press. The A.P. puts Bush's approval rating at around 44%, with 54% of Americans saying they actively disapprove of the job the president is doing. Analysts have suggested that the these figures are tied closely with soaring gas prices. While this easy explanation may work for some journalists, we at Hairshirt have always held ourselves to a higher standard. And so, we decided to go beyond the surface numbers to find out what precisely was pissing people off about George W.

Of those who answered that they were unhappy with Bush's performance, the breakdown goes like this:
  • 11% unhappy with his handling of the Pope's death; felt he should have stolen the corpse and used untested technology to clone a new J.P. II.
  • 6% would like to see him drunk.
  • 23% thought they were being polled about Bush's Baked Beans and wished to express their frustration with how hard the cans are to open.
  • 2% were teenagers receiving oral sex and just yelled "Yes!" repeatedly to every question.
  • 8% are angry that Bush didn't nominate The Count from Sesame Street as Education Secretary.
  • .0001% said they hated Bush because they loved him too much.
  • 4% feared that privatization of Social Security accounts would leave them too broke to go see XXX: State of the Union with Ice Cube, which they went on to say was going to be so much fucking better than the original, dude.
  • 2% worried he's using re-runs of Caroline in the City to beam his mind-control rays into our heads.
  • 12% appalled at the way he sounds when sharing a stage with intelligent-seeming leaders from around the world; wish James Earl Jones could be hired to loop his dialogue.
  • 10% baffled that he can claim the economy is making a strong recovery when it takes a Master's Degree and two blowjobs just to get an entry-level data-entry position.
  • 7% pissed off that they didn't get to see more explicit video of Jenna doing the "Butt Dance" in a club.
  • 14% would just plain like to drop him in a vat of pig shit.
Vox populi.

Damn, I had to give four blowjobs. Do you think I was taken advantage of?
Post a Comment

<< Home