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Thursday, April 28, 2005


Summer Movie Preview, Part III

Time to wrap up our preview of the cinematic masterpieces heading your way this summer. Before we get going, though, I wanted to give voice to one complaint that's sort of been festering inside of me for a few days now. A Lot Like Love only did $7.58 million on its opening weekend. What the heck is wrong with America? Ashton Kutcher doesn't put movies out every day, folks, so when he does, we need to treat it like something special. This one's got Amanda Peet, for Pete's sake! (Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. I hadn't actually meant to make a joke there, especially when I'm so deadly serious about this subject, but now that I've made it, I can see the humor in her name.) Anyway, I just hope that Ashton doesn't get the idea that we don't like him or something. Now, on to July and August.

The Island: Have you ever wanted to clone Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson? Well, so has Michael Bay! Now, the director of Bad Boys II and The Rock looks at the morality of genetics. Now, in case you're thinking, "Oh no! That sounds more like an art house movie than the kind of thrill-ride I've come to expect from the genius behind Armageddon!" don't you worry. Even with the serious subject matter and weighty philosophical questions, I have a sneaking hunch that Mr. Bay will still find a way to blow one or two things up.

Dark Water: When bad things happen, it's a shame. When they happen to really attractive people, it's even worse. Which is why I'm not sure I'll be able to sit through this adaptation of a Japanese horror movie that stars that loveliest of starlets, Jennifer Connelly. As much as I love the red hot Formerly-Japanese-Now-American-Horror-Movie genre, I just might be too scared to watch the story of a single mother whose new apartment just might be water. I get the shivers even thinking about it. Moisture can just be so creepy.

Bad News Bears: You know what I hate? I hate when movies get old and I don't recognize the people in them. For example, who the heck is Walter Matthau? I don't know a thing about him, except that I don't think he was ever married to Angelina Jolie. Fortunately, someone decided that the movie he did a long time ago about a crotchety guy who's forced to coach a little league team could be re-done with someone who was married to A.J. (and I'm claiming credit for this clever new nickname for her!) So, this one is kind of like The Mighty Ducks, but with baseball instead of hockey.

The Pink Panther: Speaking of re-making movies with people I've actually heard of, I can finally enjoy this one, now that they've gotten rid of that Peter Spellers guy. And what, I ask you, is funnier than a Steve Martin movie? Nothing, that's what. This one also reunites the dynamic comic duo of Jean Reno and Kevin Kline, who tickled our funny bones and warmed our hearts in French Kiss. Hey! Two movies set in France? I'm thinking Reno and Kline might be part French themselves!

The Dukes of Hazzard: Re-makes of old television shows have long been providing movie-going audience with high-quality entertainment, but this one looks to set the bar just a little bit higher. When the source material is as rich as this TV classic and you throw in the phenomenal acting chops of Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson, can the Best Picture Oscar be far behind? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm pretty sure this "little film that could" is going to be taking that golden statue home next spring.

The Skeleton Key: I love Kate Hudson. I've got a Kate Hudson screen saver, a Kate Hudson bobble head in my car and even a custom-made pair of Kate Hudson pajamas. Still, I'm a little dubious about the Hud-one veering sharply away from the romantic comedies she's so effortlessly mastered. Still, if you're going to do a thriller, there's not much scarier than the idea of a key made out of a skeleton. All right, I guess I'm sold.

Now, as I've said before, this is just a tiny, tiny sample of all the fantastic entertainment that's heading your way during the dog days. Believe it or not, I've only just scratched the surface. You can do your own investigating by going to your local library and asking them how to get to the nearest magazine stand, where you can pick up the latest issue of People, which never fails to direct movie-goers to the best in cinema through their always accurate, frequently hilarious Pics & Pans column.

However you get to the theater this season, enjoy!

You should check out the original Dark Water.
Hey Joe, you slipped over the line when you bashed Peter Sellers. He was the funny guy of my generation and dont pity us cause we had lots of belly laughs thanks to the guy who just vunted to rent a roooooom!
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