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Thursday, April 21, 2005


Surviving Ben Affleck

Dear fucking God, why won't Ben Affleck just go away?

Apparently, he's now engaged to Jennifer Garner. He proposed to her at her 33rd birthday party last week. Nice going, dickhead; way to make your girlfriend's birthday all about you. Selfish git.

The reasons why this marriage is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord and must not be allowed to happen are legion. Let's start with the fact that this union greatly increases the chances of a Daredevil II. Brrrrr. Sends shivers of fear up and down my spine. A sequel to that craptacular cinematic abortion isn't the only reason to fear this coupling. I mean, any publicity for Affleck increases his chance of continued work as an actor and that's just a crying shame. Any job that Affleck gets is another part that C. Thomas Howell doesn't get. And Howell is hungry, man. He's probably living off potatoes that fall off the truck at this point.

Then there's the fact that I actually kind of like Jennifer Garner. I don't watch her TV show and I can't recall any movies I've seen her in beyond her high-priced hooker cameo in Catch Me If You Can and that Big rip-off she did, in which she played that character who was a magazine writer in the same way that the mannequins on Melrose Place worked at an ad agency--vaguely. But as much as I was not thrilled with that movie, I thought she was appealing. If, however, she actually walks down the aisle and accepts a ring from that talentless piece of roach shit, I'll have no choice but to assume she's a flea-brained dipshit. And I don't want to think that. I really don't.

Here's the thing: after the whole J-Lo debacle, when Affleck was at his absolute nadir, appearing on television with five days beard-growth and kind of nodding his head when people automatically laughed at him for his public misfortune, he was a little easier to not hate quite as much. See, that's the direction I think he needs to go with his public persona. He needs to be the loser, the butt of jokes, the pathetic schmuck who has to sit there while people make fun of him. That's the only role I think he'd excel in. He needs to go on Letterman and just sort of grin and bear it while Dave says, "So, those transexual Siamese twins you were caught paying to blow you stay in touch?"

Or else he needs to go Fat Elvis on us and just become bloated and eccentric. I think I could put up with him if he waddled down the red carpet in a muu-muu with a Colt revolver strapped around his waist eating pork rind soup out of a thermos. Hell, I might even go see Surviving Christmas III if it starred the guy who did that.

But a happy, married, smug Ben Affleck who takes himself seriously enough that he thinks he can act? An Affleck settled down into married life with Jennifer Garner, making more and more shit-sucking Jack Ryan movies? An Affleck who studios let direct? This I cannot take.

And so I'm starting a fund. I want to raise money to someday hire transexual Siamese twin hookers to let themselves be filmed blowing Ben Affleck. Who's with me?

I'll put up $10. Open the Paypal account, man!
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