Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, May 06, 2005


Faces of Death

It looks like the hit movie of this weekend may turn out to be House of Wax, a remake of the old Vincent Price thriller, updated with a lot of jiggling breasts and a few thousand more gallons of fake blood. The big reason people are going to go see this may be because so many people will watch anything that's supposed to be scary. It may be because fans of 24 are hoping to see Elisha Cuthbert's breasts. But the most likely reason people will stream into theaters to catch this steaming pile will be because they want to see Paris Hilton die.

Ms. Hilton is famous for being rich, for playing up her stupidity on her reality show and for sucking off her boyfriend in grainy night-vision home video. Are any of these things actually deserving of fame? Not so much. Do any of these things justify the enjoyment people get from the thought of watching her get beheaded? Not really. I believe that, if we just close our eyes and hum for awhile, she'll go away like any one of a thousand momentarily famous idiots. Like Morton Downey, Jr. Who? Exactly.

However, if we're going to insist on fanning the fame-flames by putting non-actor celebrities in recycled movies so that people can see them pretend-killed, I guess I can think of a few people I'd like to see set sail on the cinematic River Styx.
  • Ty Pennington in The Passion of the Christ: I realize it's a little early to remake this flick, but I, for one, would purely love to see this obnoxious putz crucified. Think about it: he could make his own cross.
  • George W. Bush in Dr. Strangelove: Could there be any better person to ride that nuclear bomb out of the plane, whoopin' and hollerin'?
  • George Steinbrenner in Se7en: In a re-imagining of David Finch's mid-90s classic, Steiny plays all the victims. We get to see him bled to death, beheaded and force-fed his weight in over-priced stadium hot dogs.
  • David Gest in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: They've been promising a new Indy flick for a decade now. Why not just take the opportunity to remake the weakest one, using Liza's Ex as Mola Ram. Can't you see it? This botoxed freakshow is torn apart by crocodiles after Harrison Ford bitch-slaps him for touching his chest!
  • Dick Cheney in King Kong: If Peter Jackson is smart, he'll save himself a whole shitload on pricey CGI technology and just cast the Vice President as the titular giant ape. Who wouldn't love to see the chickenhawk veep shot off of the Empire State Building by a bunch of mono-planes?
  • Ann Coulter in Godzilla vs Mothra: While we're talking giant monster flicks,what could be scarier than seeing this asshole spewing nuclear fire like she spews neo-con bullshit? You could get Al Franken to play Mothra.
  • The Amazing Race's Rob & Amber in Bonnie & Clyde: It kind of fits, doesn't it? Charming, cocky rogue and lovely sidekick? Man, I would simply love to see a posse shooting Boston Rob full of holes.
  • James Dobson in Footloose: Now, I realize that John Lithgow's character didn't die in the original. But, in my new-millennium remake, the Focus on the Family director steps into Lithgow's part and is ritualistically disemboweled when the town's teens discover all the cool sex and violence the Rev has been causing them to miss on TV.
  • Star Jones in Moby Dick: Guess which part she'd play?
You know, the more I think about it, the more I believe that I could really get behind this trend.