HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005Hairshirt Graduation Horoscope
Seeing as how I'm graduating today, I thought it might be nice to use my zodialogical wizardry to forecast what's ahead for other graduates. Here ya go!
Aries: There's no stopping you now, Aries. You've got your Bachelor's in Art History and you're on the path to a glorious future. As a night shift supervisor at Hardee's. Taurus: As Graduation Day approaches, you find yourself overwhelmed with doubt and concern over whether or not you and the boy you've been with all through high school will stay boyfriend/girlfriend even though you'll be going to two different schools. I'm happy to tell you that the two of you will stay completely committed to each other. You'll just be fucking other people is all. Gemini: Some people doubted you, but you've proved them wrong. As the first person in your family to graduate, you're filled with the pride of accomplishment, but also a certain amount of apprehension. After all, fourth grade might be even harder. Cancer: You're about to be very disappointed when you don't get nearly as much money for graduation as you thought you would and you get twice as many copies of Oh! The Places You'll Go as you thought you would. Leo: Leo, you've made it all the way through college and kept your virginity. Congratulations on being a huge idiot. Virgo: As soon as you turn in your thesis, you're all set to have your Master's degree conferred upon you. Hopefully, the people reviewing your thesis won't realize you've basically pasted together a bunch of old articles from National Geographic. They don't tend to look at these things really close, so you should be okay. Libra: The last four years of sheer hell you've gone through at your high school are behind you now. You're pretty certain that college is going to be a completely different experience, where you'll be surrounded by people who "get" you. Nope. Sorry. High school or college, you're a geek loser. Scorpio: A nagging uncertainty that's been plaguing you for years will be settled when you look at your degree and find out that what you've been majoring in was physiology, not psychology. Sagittarius: All the fun of the last four years has come to an end and now you're uncertain whether what you've done has had a purpose. Don't worry. The skills you develop as a yearbook editor will prove invaluable to you throughout your life. Capricorn: Despite what your teachers are telling you, successfully completing eighth grade is not really a graduation. The dance you'll be going to is not truly a prom. Everyone just thinks that you and everyone in your class are such losers that this is as close to a real graduation and prom as you're going to get. So congratulations! Woo-hoo! Aquarius: The post-college trip your parents gave you for graduation is going to be awesome! You will eat the best cheap cheese sandwiches in Europe! You will catch fascinating rashes at Europe's finest youth hostels! You will fail to get laid in some of the most beautiful cities on earth! And you'll create mediocre memories to last a lifetime! Pisces: Congratulations, Pisces! You've proven the viability of the eight-year undergrad plan. All of your wimpy friends felt the need to graduate in four or five years, but fuck them, 'cause you've gotten all you could out of the college experience. Now bring on grad school and six more years!
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