Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Before getting into the zodiac forecast for this week, I'd like to take a moment to discuss other people's shoddy work at reading the stars. Yesterday, I read the horoscope that came up on my homepage. It told me that I was going to come into some unexpected money at some point during the day, which I might want to put in the bank. Now, as I am currently incredibly poor, I was overjoyed to learn that the universe would, in some way I was not expecting, provide for my needs.
It did not.
Instead, as I walked out of my class last night, I came across one lousy quarter on the floor. Now, I realize that the horoscope was not technically wrong, but the writer must have known that they were stretching the facts a bit. By making it sound like my financial woes were about to be swept away on fate's gentle breeze, this astrological flim-flam artist elevated my hopes, only to have them dashed against the rocks of despair.
That's why I make this promise to all readers of the Hairshirt Horoscope: You can be sure that, when I'm translating the position of heavenly bodies into a look ahead at your week, I have you in mind. You. Not some other Capricorn. Not someone who was born on the same day as you. I'm thinking about you and you alone. Which is why I can make the promise to all of my readers that the Hairshirt Horoscope will always be accurate and will always be a solid source of information around which you can plan your life.
And now, a special Cinco de Mayo edition of the Hairshirt Horoscope.
Aries: Sadly, your Cinco de Mayo celebration consists of humming "La Cucaracha" while cutting your toenails.
Taurus: Your joy knows no bounds as you get ready to co-opt another country's holiday as an excuse to drink, something you just never got enough of when you stuck to St. Patrick's Day and Bastille Day.
Gemini: Your efforts to promote Tio Taco, the Drunken Jumping Bean as the official mascot of the Cinco de Mayo holiday are pretty much doomed to failure.
Cancer: Kool-Aid is not an acceptable substitute for margarita mix.
Leo: Your fellow Klansmen spend the evening trying to convince you that, instead of seeing the popularity of Cinco de Mayo as yet another nail in the coffin of our Great White Nation, you should just lighten up and enjoy your chimichanga. Dude, your Klan group sucks.
Virgo: Your over-indulgence in the all-you-can-eat Cinco de Mayo Tamale Festival at Chi-Chi's and the resultant gastrointestinal difficulties you suffer lead to your roommate's droll witticism, "Man, they should call it stinko de Mayo!" You need to get your own apartment.
Libra: You might want to fork over a few extra dollars for a bottle of Patron, as Senor Thrifty's two-gallon Tequila Bucket is, in actuality, watered-down paint thinner.
Scorpio: You're doing your social life no favors by viewing Cinco de Mayo as an excellent chance to educate your friends on Mexican history instead of an excellent chance to get shitfaced.
Sagittarius: You bravely forge ahead through your career as a nursing home activities director by putting a sombrero on an eighty-five year old advanced Alzheimer's patient while an aide serves him spice-free pureed enchiladas.
Capricorn: Contrary to your instincts, Cinco de Mayo does not give you a "great opening" to hit on the hot Dominican chick at work.
Aquarius: In the middle of looking for a new set of pillowcases at Kole's Cinco de Mayo White Sale, you pause for half a second to wonder if maybe corporations are causing us to trivialize our cultural celebrations. Then you see some half-off 450-count Egyptian cotton sheets and decide to just embrace it.
Pisces: You celebrate Cinco de Mayo in the same way you celebrate most holidays: puking.