Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Aries: Your plan to open a school for Geishas might be slightly more plausible if you didn't live in Salt Lake City.
Taurus: Your sex life kicks into high gear this week. If you play your cards right, it might even involve another person.
Gemini: Keep in mind this week that life is a series of ups and downs. Currently, you're going down. Way, way, way down. But eventually you have to come up again. Even if it's only when someone throws you a really cool funeral.
Cancer: Normally, any fights you have with your best friend can be erased with a funny greeting card. Unfortunately, Hallmark hasn't gotten around to making any "Sorry That I Got High on PCP and Set Fire to Your Trailer While I Was Fucking Your Wife" cards. Perhaps a candygram?
Leo: You will unexpectedly find a large sum of money this week. The fact that you find it in a purse you steal from an elderly woman on a crowded subway train makes it just that much sweeter.
Virgo: There is no medical reason for your dizzy spells. You just need to stop spinning around constantly.
Libra: Your disappointment at Rob and Amber's loss on The Amazing Race really sort of takes the shine off of the birth of your child. For the next thirty years or so, you won't be able to look at her without thinking, "I can't fucking believe they let Uchenna and Joyce on that plane. The door was closed!"
Scorpio: You might think that your mom isn't upset that you're just now calling to wish her a happy Mother's Day. In point of fact, she's jolly because she just sent you a batch of brownies in which she took a dump.
Sagittarius: While marketing a muscle-soothing ointment made of Ben-Gay and cocaine does indeed prove that you have a very inventive mind, it also proves that mind is stupid.
Capricorn: This week, failure to read a recipe close enough will lead you to kill a busload of nuns. You really ought to get glasses.
Aquarius: Don't listen to the critics. No matter how many people write that you, "...do to the part of Blanche Dubois what a baby does to a diaper," you know--know--that you've got the goods.
Pisces: You're right, nobody does now what it's like to be the bad man--to be the sad man--behind blue eyes. Neither does anybody give a shit what it's like. So take your blue eyes and fuck off, "bad man".
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