Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, May 19, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Now that you're done waiting in line for the final Star Wars film, you find your mind once again drifting to the sad thought that you're a 38-year-old virgin. If only Princess Leia would take you in her sweet, sweet arms.

Taurus: Having passed the Bar, you should spend some time in a bar of another kind.

Gemini: Your Carol Channing impression is growing less and less amusing at work. Largely because you're working at a coffee shop with people ten years younger than you who haven't the slightest fucking clue who Carol Channing is and simply think you're a freak.

Cancer: The sun does not, as you seem to believe, shine out of your ass. That's just a flashlight from that party you went to on Monday.

Leo: Health issues are on your mind this week, Leo. Specifically, you're wondering what exactly your daily allotment of pork rinds should be under the new food pyramid.

Virgo: Yes, your testicles are lovely. Now put them away, please.

Libra: Today is a great day to cozy up with a good book. If only you weren't completely illiterate.

Despite what some people say, there is absolutely nothing hypocritical about demanding that the judicial nominees you want voted in be given an up or down vote when your party torpedoed a good third of the nominees of the last administration. Also, the world is flat and Ben Affleck is America's greatest actor.

Sagittarius: Resist the urge to give your new Yorkshire Terrier an ironic name like Bruiser or Gigantor. He'll only resent you later.

Capricorn: Spicing up your love-life is a great idea, Capricorn. May I suggest, though, that you try something besides your home-made edible body paint?

Aquarius: If the shoe fits, Aquarius, wear it. If it doesn't fit, cram your big honkin' clodhopper in there any damn way because you paid way too much for these shoes to let them sit in your closet and, dammit, they're too cute to waste.

Pisces: Salad dressing is not a good substitute for shaving cream, Pisces. Even Extra Creamy Ranch.

boy, am I glad I came here today...There's a food pyramid?
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