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Monday, May 09, 2005


Hollywood Hairshirt!

Hey guys & gals! Coming to you once again from glorious Tinsel Town (and, I've got to be honest, I've seen a whole lot more vomit and smog than I've seen tinsel out here) it's Hollywood Hairshirt! Bringing you the latest nooz from the place where the fake magic happens.
  • Item! Andie MacDowell and Rosie O'Donnell had such an amazing response to their recent TV movie from Hallmark that they've agreed to revise the characters in a slightly more, shall we say, risque format. The Vivid Video production of Riding My Sister on the Bus starts shooting next week and is scheduled to be released in an adult video emporium near you by July.
  • Sources close to beautiful starlet Katie Holmes confirmed this weekend that the lovely lass has inked a two year deal to serve as Tom Cruise's beard. Cruise's spokesman confirmed the length of the contract, but declined to go into specifics about the financial end of the deal. Said Cruise's mouthpiece, "We were looking for a woman of talent, beauty and magnetism. We were also trying to get away from ladies who were just looking for a green card. Since Katie was born here, she fits the bill."
  • In interviews last week, Star Wars creator George Lucas confessed that he is incredibly nervous about the final chapter in his epic space saga, saying, "This one's pretty dark. I don't think it's family friendly in the way that the last films were. In fact the scene where a group of Tuscan Raiders gang-rape Jar-Jar Binks is bound to be controversial."
  • Angelina Jolie has announced that she's bored with Brad Pitt and is currently planning to pursue Pope Benedict XVI. Says the actress, "Well, it's gotten so damned easy to split up marriages and seduce family members that I've been wanting a real challenge. How many women can say they boned the pope?" The press secretary for the Holy See responded, "Unless she's dressed as an altar boy, we're betting she comes up snake eyes on that one."
  • According to a poll just released by Publisher's Weekly, a whopping 99.8% of those who bought Jonathon Safran Foer's latest book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, have decided not to read it. Says one pollee, "I don't know. It's by that guy that did that other book with the long title I didn't read, but then I opened it up and it's about a kid or something. I fucking hate kids."
  • Actress Neve Campbell has announced her support for a "Bill of Rights" for epileptics. The Bill of Rights is intended to inform those with epilepsy of their rights in the workplace and in education. A spokesman for epileptics was quoted as saying, "Great. Yeah, that's just our fucking luck. We get stuck with this rotten fucking shaking disease and now the skank from Wild Things is the best we can get for our celebrity spokesman. Shit." He then had a five minute petit mal seizure.

Here's another one!

German actress Franka Potente (German for virile) has turned from "Run Lola Run" to "Lolita" in order to fullfil her name better. The movie is in production and contains scenes from "Last Tango in Paris" with Marlon Brando, where Maria Schneider was digitally replaced by frank Franka. Now the age difference is perfect for matching Lolita. Dominique Swain is said to be very envious.
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