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Tuesday, May 17, 2005


A Sweeps Week Far, Far Away

Star Wars creator George Lucas announced recently that, while he intends for there to never be another Star Wars movie, he's looking into one or two television shows featuring tertiary characters from the films. This sounds to us at Hairshirt like a great idea, especially as the Star Trek franchise seems to have run its course and Trekkies the world over are going to have to settle for pale imitations like Battlestar Gallatica to get their geek on.

The question, then, becomes, "Which characters should be used and how should they be packaged?" If not done exactly right, you wind up with The Star Wars Christmas Special or the Ewoks cartoon. *shudder*

In the hopes of answering the above question, we've put our thinking caps on and come up with a handful of pitches for potential 'Wars shows:
  • The Dookus of Hazzard--Christopher Lee brings his power-hungry Jedi to the Deep South, pitting his mastery of the Force against the cunning of Boss Hogg. Someday the Dark Side might get him, but the law never will.
  • Mos Eisley--You will never find a more wretched hive of scum...and hilarity! Meet a group of rowdy regulars at the Creature Cantina, including surly mobster Greedo, out of work salesman Hammerhead and his buddy Walrus Man. Will these lovable losers ever get ahead or will they just get drunker and drunker?
  • The Yoda Show--In today's crazy world, who better to give people advice on everything from relationships to child-rearing than a 900-year-old Jedi master? On every show, Yoda brings his incredible mental powers to bear on the problems of his in-studio guests. Experience personal growth you will.
  • CSI: Endor--Wikka and his squad of forensic experts use primitive mostly wooden technology to bust the bad guys on the forest moon.
  • You Rebel Scum--Thrilling adventure as the Imperial Lieutenant from Return of the Jedi arrests people every week and calls them...
  • I Married a Jawa--The only thing better than star-crossed lovers are Star Wars-crossed lovers! In this half-hour sitcom, Lobot from The Empire Strikes Back marries a female Jawa. Can they make their marriage work even when she's constantly tempted to remove his head and sell it for scrap?
  • Boba Fett, M.D.--The reformed bounty hunter tries to make a go of it as a small-town doctor. Can the deadliest assassin of three galaxies become the greatest healer of three counties? Co-starring Heather Locklear as Nurse Kiehl.
  • The Hoth Ice Creature Variety Hour--Fans who only know him as the monster who mauled Luke Skywalker will be surprised and delighted to find out what an accomplished song and dance man the Ice Monster is. Join the Ice Monster and super-special guest stars like Lynda Carter and Phyllis Diller for an hour of singing, dancing, funny-bone shattering fun!
I think there could be a whole network of this stuff. Anyone have Lucas' e-mail?

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