Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, June 09, 2005


Grrr-icane Season

The Atlantic Hurricane Season is once again upon us, kicked into high gear by what's now being called Tropical Storm Arlene.

Tropical Storm Arlene. Y'know, maybe it's just me, but--and I have to beg forgiveness of anyone who shares this name and might be offended by this--the name Arlene has always sort of struck me as the kind of name that would likely be affixed to someone who dwells in a trailer. There's something just wrong about naming a storm after someone who could have their flimsy metal home destroyed by it. How many people named Charley or Frances or Ivan who lived in Florida last year are doomed to a life of self-loathing for having the same moniker as that force of nature that swept away their Camaro.

This is why I'm thinking that we should scrap the habit of naming these storms after people. Why don't we use curse words instead? I mean, that pretty much sums up how everybody feels about 'em anyway. Plus, that way, nobody'll ever have to call up a relative and say, "Dad? I don't know how to tell you this, but Hurricane Bjorn just killed Bjorn. Huh? No, Bjorn is dead. What? No, not the hurricane, your son. Oh, for--put Mom on!"

I'll even save the National Weather Service the trouble of coming up with good invective for this first season. They've already blown the A's, but what say we start with B?
  • Hurricane Bitchkitty
  • Hurricane Cocksmoker
  • Hurricane Douschebag
  • Hurricane Eat Me
  • Hurricane Fucknut
  • Hurricane Goddammit
  • Hurricane Handjob
  • Hurricane I Can't Fucking Believe This
  • Hurricane Jizz-face
  • Hurricane Kakadoody (one for the kids)
  • Hurricane Labial Wart
  • Hurricane My-Oh-My (avoiding the obvious choice)
  • Hurricane Nutsack
  • Hurricane Offal
  • Hurricane Prick
  • Hurricane Quit This Destruction Shit Already
  • Hurricane Rimjob
  • Hurricane Shitheel
  • Hurricane Twat
  • Hurricane Unbelievable Fucking Twat
  • Hurricane Warthog's Anus
  • Hurricane X-mas (really only offensive to evangelicals)
  • Hurricane You Are Such an Asshole
  • Hurricane Zipper-Mangled Shvantz
Think how cathartic it would be for people to truly vent their spleen on these storms which inflict such damage. I think this could work.

How long did it take you to make up that list?
'Bout ten minutes. I've always got a list of swear-words in my mind.
Haha... good to know.
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