Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Aries: Playing the opening chords of "Aqualung" on the rubber band guitar you carry in your backpack is not a way to impress a first date.
Taurus: You are saddened and depressed this week when you find out that a Google search for "talentless assbag" contains no fewer than 3500 links to you.
Gemini: This is your week for new love. New, obsessive, smothering, Tom Cruise-ian love. Good luck with that.
Cancer: Despite your loud assertions to the contrary, you are not really Batman. You are a geek at a comic book convention. Now shut up and go stand in line to have Rob Liefeld sign your mint-condition Hawk and Dove #1.
Leo: Just because Danica Patrick didn't win the Indy 500 this weekend, you do not, as you informed your officemates this morning, "have a much better shot at nailing her because she's going to be all emotional and shit and then I'll swoop in like all 'I'm here for you.'"
Virgo: Despite your new diet regimen, you ass remains so flabby that not even Christian Slater would grab it.
Libra: You just don't get the appeal of Laugh-In.
Scorpio: Your small-business loan comes through this week, meaning that Wally's Fashions for the Large-Testicled Man is one step closer to opening its doors. Mazel tov!
Sagittarius: Health issues come to the fore for you, Sagittarius, and you might want to reconsider using a plastic surgeon who thinks it's a good idea to transplant your ball hair onto your scalp.
Capricorn: You seriously need to follow a recipe, because pouring ketchup and peanut butter onto a plate of undercooked linguini does not make for an acceptable Pad Thai.
Aquarius: An old lover comes to town this week, Aquarius. He blows in from the West like a desert storm, plunging your neatly ordered little world into chaos, making you question every choice you've ever made, before disappearing just as quickly, leaving nothing behind but some empty malt liquor bottles and a used condom in the sink. Next time, you should probably tell him you're going to be out of town.
Pisces: You're deeply hurt when, after comparing the U.S. prison at Guantanamo Bay to Soviet-era gulags, an Amnesty International report then goes on to compare your breath to a moldering peach that's been stored in someone's ass.
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