HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: You feel culturally unaware when you realize that you don't recognize even one of AFI's top one hundred movie quotes. In fact, the only movie quote you know is "Dance on my dick, bitch" from Cum Hungry Sluts 5: Sluts Ahoy!
Taurus: This week, Senator Bill Frist will diagnose you as an asshole after someone shows him a videotape of you in bed. Gemini: Damn! You are one handsome man! Although, you could also just be a really butch chick. Cancer: When joyriding in a stolen plane this week, remember: people on cocaine are much better at flying than those who drink, so don't forget your coke spoon. Leo: Not only is it kind of creepy that you're nearly forty and really into playing "Yugi-Oh", but you also really suck at it. Virgo: Mustard figures quite prominently in your life this week, but in less of a "happy condiment" kind of way and in more of a "tragic soft pretzel accident" kind of way. Libra: Your stupidity is about to reach new heights, Libra. Not only will you forget your purse at home, you'll also leave your liver. Scorpio: Heartbreak for you this week Scorpio, as the U.S. House of Representatives has passed a flag-burning just when your years of research had yielded a safer-burning flag. Those bastards in D.C. just don't care about the little guy. Sagittarius: Watching the Lindsay Lohan remake of Freaky Friday at home on your television is okay. Watching on your laptop and touching yourself while parked outside of her home in your 1977 Dodge Dart is stalkerish. Capricorn: Try something totally new this week; something like not being a total asshole. Aquarius: Your dignity will suffer this week as you are beaten senseless by a fourteen-year-old girl. Hopefully, this will help teach you a lesson about what a huge, huge pussy you are. Pisces: Your refusal to sell out would mean a lot more if anyone was willing to pay you for anything.
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