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Wednesday, June 29, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Fireworks do make for a very festive 4th of July celebration, Aries, but you need to ask yourself if a nursing home dining room is the right place for that sort of display.

Taurus: Your self-esteem soars to new heights this week when not one but four men ask for your phone number. Okay, two of them are cops, one's a customer service rep for Verizon and the fourth is your uncle who needs to reprogram his cell phone, but dammit, you're in demand!

Gemini: You are haunted this week by recurring sex dreams involving Herve Villechaize and three slices of key lime pie. Wow. You really need to get laid.

Cancer: Your patriotic spirit shines this Independence Day, Cancer. And nothing says "I Love America" like having a star-spangled thong wedged firmly up your ass.

Leo: This week could see you get into a huge fight with your eight-year-old daughter over whether or not she can get her ears pierced. Sadly, this one's gonna look like nothing in two years, when she wants breast implants.

Virgo: You start feeling very, very old this week, Virgo, as it's driven home to you that, despite what you've always believed, Trix really are for kids.

Libra: Please try not to ruin your family's 4th of July picnic this weekend by pointing out that hot dogs and apple pie are really kind of German.

Scorpio: Your most fervent prayers are answered this week as Hall and Oates announce a major tour of North America. Congrats!

You find yourself encouraged by the president's attempt to shore up support for the war in Iraq. So that partial lobotomy was good for something at least, huh?

Capricorn: Capricorns are especially excited about the upcoming three-day weekend. An extra day to sit around drunk and jerk off to the Victoria's Secret catalogue! Huzzah!

Drive carefully now that school's out. Or at least as carefully as you can after your daily quart of Jim Beam.

Nobody really likes doing dishes, but when you're reduced to eating your steak with a fondue fork, it's time to reach for the Palmolive, chief.

Oh, nice horoscope for Geminis. I have to tell my wife!
zodiac horoscope info is so cheesy but we were looking at it anyway...why i dont know. I guess it is fun to play around online. Anyway, I saw your zodiac horoscope posts and though it was cool...Alright, well...have a great night, I am back to zodiac horoscope surfing LOL : )

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