HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Fireworks do make for a very festive 4th of July celebration, Aries, but you need to ask yourself if a nursing home dining room is the right place for that sort of display.
Taurus: Your self-esteem soars to new heights this week when not one but four men ask for your phone number. Okay, two of them are cops, one's a customer service rep for Verizon and the fourth is your uncle who needs to reprogram his cell phone, but dammit, you're in demand! Gemini: You are haunted this week by recurring sex dreams involving Herve Villechaize and three slices of key lime pie. Wow. You really need to get laid. Cancer: Your patriotic spirit shines this Independence Day, Cancer. And nothing says "I Love America" like having a star-spangled thong wedged firmly up your ass. Leo: This week could see you get into a huge fight with your eight-year-old daughter over whether or not she can get her ears pierced. Sadly, this one's gonna look like nothing in two years, when she wants breast implants. Virgo: You start feeling very, very old this week, Virgo, as it's driven home to you that, despite what you've always believed, Trix really are for kids. Libra: Please try not to ruin your family's 4th of July picnic this weekend by pointing out that hot dogs and apple pie are really kind of German. Scorpio: Your most fervent prayers are answered this week as Hall and Oates announce a major tour of North America. Congrats! Sagittarius: You find yourself encouraged by the president's attempt to shore up support for the war in Iraq. So that partial lobotomy was good for something at least, huh? Capricorn: Capricorns are especially excited about the upcoming three-day weekend. An extra day to sit around drunk and jerk off to the Victoria's Secret catalogue! Huzzah! Aquarius: Drive carefully now that school's out. Or at least as carefully as you can after your daily quart of Jim Beam. Pisces: Nobody really likes doing dishes, but when you're reduced to eating your steak with a fondue fork, it's time to reach for the Palmolive, chief.
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