HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: While waiting in line for Batman Begins, do your best to stay out of an argument between two fanboys over the exact issue in which Ra's al Ghul first appeared. Sure, these geeks may look harmless, but if you rile them, they'll cut you.
Taurus: You're so relieved by the not guilty verdicts in the Michael Jackson trial that you rush right out and have your kid spend the night at Neverland Ranch. You're kind of a shitty parent. Gemini: The guy at the butcher shop was having a laugh at your expense. The recipe for sauerbraten does not call for the chef to wear the meat in his trousers for twenty-four hours before serving. Cancer: No matter how shitty your life gets, just be grateful you don't look like this. Leo: This week, you celebrate your twelfth glorious year of using the phrase "'Sup?" when running into someone. Of course, there are anniversaries that are more to be feared and shunned than celebrated. Virgo: The vacuum cleaner salesman is beginning to realize that you're not going to buy anything and just keep inviting him back because you're lonely. Despite your instincts, spilling another thing of potting soil on the rug isn't going to make him want to stay. Libra: Many people would agree with your philosophy that it should be okay to joke about anything. Still, a funeral's not the best place in the world to tell your necrophilia jokes, especially if they call for you to pull out your junk and wave it around. Scorpio: Your brand new pair of Steve Maddens are about to get puked on by a co-worker...now. Sagittarius: While sitting in that Cincinnati jail cell, pondering how the tragic events of your life led you to this place, you're haunted by one recurring thought: If only I hadn't blown Brian Dennehy. Capricorn: It's really great that you enjoyed the Air Supply reunion show at the House of Blues, but wearing the t-shirt around town is doing your reputation absolutely no good. Aquarius: Your desire to travel to Iran in order to help monitor elections is noble and good. It's idiotic fucking suicide, too, but in a noble and good way. Pisces: As validated as Michael Jackson probably feels after his trial, he still probably doesn't want an invitation to join your chapter of NAMBLA.
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