Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Hairshirt Summer Horoscope
Summer's here, and Hairshirt readers are no doubt wondering what the season holds for them. Well wonder no more!
Aries: Your job as a lifeguard will not be quite as successful as you'd hoped it would in getting you laid. Either you're going to need to change your standards or you're going to need to get a position at a pool that's not in a senior center.
Taurus: Tragedy will strike this summer when you are crushed to death by your 50,000-page copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Gemini: Don't listen to your friends who "warn" you about the dangers of over-tanning. First off, skin cancer is the wimpiest kind of cancer. Second, so many guys love a woman who looks like a leather wallet. You'll remind them of money. Go soak up the rays!
Cancer: Although you vow to use this summer's post-break-up vacation to Greece to sow some wild oats you never got to over the eight years you were in your relationship, you and I both know you're going to end up drinking lots of really crappy ouzo and learning how to play Greek Scrabble.
Leo: This summer, you will make good on your vow to spend as much time as possible at the beach. You won't do quite as well on your vow to look really good in your Tom Selleck Signature Line Speedo.
Virgo: You are ecstatic that the summer movie blockbuster season is upon us. Sadly, every single movie about which you are excited will end up sucking. Except Herbie: Fully Loaded, which will stun the industry by taking the Best Picture Oscar next February.
Libra: Once again, you will fully intend to take advantage of the bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables available during the summer months by trying healthy and exciting new recipes. Once again, you'll mostly just order Little Ceaser's and have monthly "clean the rotting fruit and vegetables out of my fridge" parties.
Scorpio: A "summer fling" would do you wonders. Unfortunately, whenever you try that, it ends up turning into "whoring around".
Sagittarius: You will exercise each and every day this summer. This is assuming that you consider masturbation as "exercise".
Capricorn: To save some money on your summer vacation this year, you will skip the trip abroad and, instead, expose your family to the wonders of the American Heartland. Good call. What family doesn't like eating in an endless series of Stuckey's?
Aquarius: Sadly, a tragic Lawn Darts accident will leave you in a coma from June 18th through the first week of October, so you will completely miss the summer. Don't worry, though, the Lawn Darts would have been the high point of your summer anyway.
Pisces: Now that the warm weather is here again, you're really looking forward to getting your grill our for some blue ribbon barbecue. Just make sure you clean out the dead rats before you fire that puppy up.